Lessons Learned from 2012 #6: Intangibles Count

If you’re like me, you’ve been a Type-A over-achiever since birth.  Around the age of 3-4, you astounded your parents with the fact that you’d taught yourself to read.  At age 7, you blew away your first standardized test.  At age 11, you were voted by your classmates as “Most likely to attend MIT and discover a cure for cancer.”  At age 12-13 you won the spelling bee -  twice…and the science fair and the fiction contest and made the honor roll sixteen times.

You are the person who people have looked at your whole life and told you that you are going to BE AMAZING one day.

You are also the person who sobbed uncontrollably when you didn’t make National Merit Scholar and years later “choked” while taking the LSAT and have never told another living soul your score because you ‘only scored in the top 5%,’ a fact which you find hideously embarrassing.

You consider yourself a productive, capable and efficient person and constantly berate yourself for all the things YOU HAVEN’T DONE each day/month/year/decade.  You feel guilty that you’re not living up to your 'potential' while wasting opportunities that others will never have.

2012 was the year that I sat down, thought about all that potential, and determined, “Fuck that.  The only potential I want to worry about is the one for my own happiness and the people I love.”

Sometime last fall, it was a Saturday, and I had a list sitting before me of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. 

I didn't do it. Instead I spent the day doing nothing…except as it turns out, I didn’t do nothing. (Back off, grammar nazis.)  I spent the day meditating and looking at my stumbling blocks in my life.  At the end of the day I’d scrawled out three pages of notes.  What did I learn?  Here are two items.

Well, for starters, I’ve had anywhere from 10-15 extra pounds hanging on my body this year that I couldn’t seem to get rid of.  I sat down with my paper and a comfy pillow and pondered.  I knew it wasn’t about food or hunger or anything like that.  It was something psychological, but what?

Turns out, when I really thought about it, for the last few years a lot of people have commented on “how skinny” I am. While it’s considered rude to say something to an overweight person about their size, thin people are fair game, and even worse, people couch their comments under a bullshit façade of concern. “Are you eating enough?” “Did you eat today?”  “You never eat lunch.  Do you have an eating disorder?”  What made it ten times worse is that I have always been slightly obsessive about my weight.  

My thin weight was perfectly healthy, but I’d kinda developed a complex about it, and I realized that I was hanging on to this extra ten pounds in an effort to a) stave off the comments and b) convince myself that I could tolerate being a heavier weight.

That day I told myself that it was ok to be skinny.  Since then, without any effort on my part, the extra weight is fading away, and I’m SO much happier when I put my pants on in the morning.  When your pants fit, it’s the beginning of a good day.

Another fun thing I got from that day?  I always seemed to have ‘just enough’ money regardless of whether I was making $20k or six figures a year.  I asked myself WHY that was and came up with the theory that I was scared of being without financial worry.  I know, it’s seems counter-intuitive, right?  I was afraid that if I paid off my loans and saved up a fair amount of money, I would take on bigger financial obligations like buying a house or having a kid – and I was worried that those things would limit me in some way.  Or worse yet, I’d become one of those douchebags with a lot of nice things and zero personality. Also, my parents have heavily manipulated, bartered, and coerced each other into doing things throughout the years with – you guessed it – money.  (FUN FACT!  My mother, who never wanted children, consented to my creation in exchange for a top of the line washer and dryer.  To this day, I LOVE doing laundry.)  Back to the story, with that one I realized that money wasn’t actually the issue.  It was what I thought money would create, what money symbolized to me. I’ve since decided that it’s possible to be financially stable and not be a complete asshole.

At the end of that day, I’d crossed nothing off my to-do list.  From a tangible productivity assessment standpoint, I was sitting on a big fat zero, but some of the realizations I had the day I did nothing more than sit on my butt have improved my daily well-being.  And bonus, because I was navel-gazing rather than running errands that day, I also had the time to meet a good friend for lunch. 

The point I’m trying to make here (probably poorly), is that there’s so many little things out there that we can do for ourselves and others each day that have no discernible level of achievement, but which ultimately have a much bigger impact on our lives than being named a National Merit Scholar.  (That's right.  Suck it all you National Merit Scholars....just kidding.)  And those little things ARE our real achievements.  And that’s what I try to remember every time I ask myself, “Is this really all the more I’ve done with my life?  Is this where I’m supposed “to be” at this age?!?!”  Then I go play with my dog and forget all about it.

Life Lesson of 2012 #5: Trust in Yourself and Let go of the External

So, when I first got laid-off from my super-duper corporate job, my initial instinct was to go out and get another one…even though I hadn’t really LOVED my job and even though I wasn’t sure it was the best thing for me to do.  Ultimately, I spent six months turning down offers to submit my resume and cringing in job interviews before finally deciding that either, I really didn’t want that super-duper corporate job, or if I did, I didn’t want it right now.  Everyone tells you that if you take time off and opt-out for a bit, then you can never hop back on the train.  I don’t know if that’s true, but I can tell you that eighteen months ago I was burned out, had three years worth of non-career-related neglected items rolling around in my head, and really felt like I needed a break.  I honestly think it would have been worse for my career if I’d jumped right back in and tried to go full guns when I was running on empty.  

Ultimately, I decided that working from home and taking contract jobs would be the best thing for me at the time.  Still, I sometimes felt embarrassed when I ran into law school peers and was like, “Yeah, I got laid off.  Yeah, I’m just doing contract work now.  I really like it though, I mean really.”  Actually, that’s not true.  I wasn’t embarrassed at all to be doing contract work.  I loved it.  What I was embarrassed about was being judged for doing it.

On election night of 2012 I ended up on the phone with my brother and he asked, “Ana, what are you doing with your life?!?!”

And I was like, “What do you mean? I’m figuring my stuff out.”

“If you were 22, I would support you,” he told me. “But you’re WAY TOO OLD to be doing this,” he continued.  “You’ve got debt. You’re a lawyer and capable of earning a bunch of money and you’re sitting in your house working 7 hours a week and playing fiddle. Think about your retirement!”

I answered, “All I can tell you is that I don’t know where this is headed, but I do know that what I’m doing right now is right for me, things are slowly taking shape, and it will work itself out in the end.”

Normally my brother’s words would have upset me.  I would have worried that he was disappointed in me or worried about me.  But I wasn’t upset.  I wasn’t mad.  I knew his journey in life and understood why he said those things and why his path was right for him.  I also knew that I was doing what was right for me, and I was no longer worried about justifying or explaining it.

And that was a cool moment, because I realized that for the first time, I was living a life based on no one’s expectations or opinions other than my own.

We’ve all been told different countless things so much since birth that we now take them as ‘musts.’  I must have health insurance.  I must work an 8-5 salaried job.  I must have a college degree. I must get married before the age of X. They’ve been repeated so many times that we don’t stop to think about them anymore.  We just assume that they’re true. Sitting down to figure out all of your ‘musts’ and questioning if they’re actually true for you takes time, but the relief and freedom that comes with each one you cast off is thrilling.

Lessons Learned from 2012 #4: Give & love freely without expectation.

A month or so ago, I suggested to my fiddle teacher that she should charge more…and I was a little torn when I did it because, while I think she’s an awesome teacher, I didn’t have the cash to pay her an extra $20 an hour.  As the words came out of my mouth I thought, “Way to go, genius.”

My fiddle teacher asked me *why* she thought I should charge more, and again, countering my thought process, I laid out a series of well-reasoned ideas.

A little while later she texted me and said, “Hey, my husband wants to know if you’d like to be a part-time manager for our band.  He thinks you make us sound *really* marketable!”

“Sure,” I countered, thinking she was totally joking.

A few days before Christmas, my fiddle teacher and her husbnad were in town playing a show, and I drove out to see them.  After the first set, they sat at my table, and we caught up on random stuff.

“Okay, at the next break, we’re gonna talk business and get your advice,” she said as they headed back to the stage.

“Say what?!?!” I asked.

“You know, manager stuff...now that you’re our manager,” she said.

OMG, seriously, WTF?  Manager?!?!?  ME?!?!

And so, during the second set I furiously scrawled notes on their performance pretending to be a band manager.  When it was over I awkwardly laid out my suggestions to them, awaiting their impending eyerolls.

“Hmm,” they said, “we’ll try it in the next set.”

And they did…and I think we were all amazed when something about the third set felt different.

“Aww, man,” my fiddle teacher’s husband said as they were packing up their gear at the end of the night.  “I bet if we’d been doing that we would have had the number of fans we wanted on Facebook by now.”

“We wanted X number of fans on Facebook by the end of the year,” my fiddle teacher explained.

“Well, it could happen,” I told her. “Y’all have a few more shows left.”

Two days later my fiddle teacher texted me, “OMG, Ana!!! People from the Houston show went on our facebook page, posted comments and “fanned” us.  Instant results!! Plus, we reached our goal!!!! You’re awesome!”

Suffice to say, as a direct result of recommending that my fiddle teacher charge a higher rate, I’m now receiving free fiddle lessons…and referrals related to marketing other bands.

Lessons Learned from 2012 #3 - Worry Less

Dude, I used to worry about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Money, my future, my friends, security, stability, happiness, love, time.  EVERYTHING.  My life coach really beat me up on this one and helped me realize that I was a crazy, insecure, anxiety-ridden, control freak about all kinds of weird stuff.  Remember that post where I got stressed out about running into friends when I was walking the dog?

Slowly, over time, and which much effort, I started to let go.  Here’s how I did it.  I only allowed myself to focus on the present moment - be it walking the dog, washing dishes, practicing fiddle.  Whatever I was doing, it was all I let myself think about. 

What happened as a result of such?  I was much more present IN the moment. I experienced and enjoyed things on a deeper level.  I’m more alert and focused when I’m working.  I listen more to what my friends are saying when we see each other.  And the other benefit?  Because I’m more tuned in and responsive in the moment, I’m less likely to remember something that happened a few days ago and think, “OH shit! I totally should have done X in that moment!” because I was aware and DID X in that moment.  I don’t worry as much about the future because what I do in the present tends to naturally pave the way for those things.  

You can't change the past.  You don't know what will happen in the future, but you can control a lot of what you're doing and feeling in the present.  I’ve learned that there’s no point in sweating the stuff that’s out of your immediate reach, that worrying tends to create stress and little else, and also, that things have a weird tendency to work out for the best when you don’t super-obsessively try to manipulate the outcome.

As for scheduling?  Man, I hate that now!  Now that I’ve let go of my schedule, life creates its own perfect path.  The other day I finished something up much earlier than I’d expected and thought, “Hmm, I wonder what I’ll do with all this free time?” Ten minutes later, my phone rang.

Be Open-Minded and Don’t Foreclose on Unknown Opportunities: Lessons Learned from 2012...

In the past I’ve had a tendency to shut down ideas before they’ve even had a chance to sprout.  Here’s an example of how a slightly different outlook proved beneficial.

In late October, I was at the Trampled by Turtles concert and chatting with some random couple that I’d never met before.  The guy had some kind of side project outside of work, and I mentioned that I was a lawyer if he ever needed any help.  He ‘friended’ me on linkedin in response.  The next day, he emailed me to say that he’d gone through my contacts and wanted to know if I would do a linkedin introduction for one of my former co-workers.  It seems his day job was something related to sales, and he thought this particular contact might be a potential customer.

My normal first response would have been one of disgust – I met these people at a concert, hardly knew them, and the very next day, the guy’d perused my linkedin contacts trying to make business connections. Not only that, but what my former co-worker's job didn't seem in any way related to what he was looking to do.  Sure, she would in her position know the people who might use/need that service.  But now we're at friend of a friend of a friend level for a guy I'd chatted with for ten minutes.  Instead I thought, “Heck, what do I know?  Maybe he has some type of service that my former co-worker could use.”

The second hurdle was the former co-worker.  She didn’t strike me as the type who would be open to introductions (which was further evidenced by the fact that a random stranger couldn't send her an email via linkedin).  I could have left it at that, but instead told the guy that I’d email the co-worker and ask her if she was ok with the introduction.  Again, what did I know?

The co-worker responded back as I thought, “Thanks, but no thanks.”  At the same time, since we hadn’t seen each other in awhile, she asked what I was up to and how I was doing.  I responded back that I’d decided to do contract work and was enjoying working from home with the dog at my feet.

The co-worker passed this information on to a person who passed it on to another person, and in late November, I got an email saying, “I heard you do contract work.  Would you perhaps be interested in…”  Yep, I got a new client as a result of that linkedin stuff! (Taking on the new client required a whole different set of open-mindedness!)  The bottom line?  Between all my clients, in the month of December, I made more money than I did in a month at my old corporate job…and only one week did I work as much as 40 hours.

So yeah, stay open.  You never know where that road will lead you.

Lessons learned from 2012 and Intentions for 2013…

I started writing this post(s) over a week ago – which is funny-ironic-sad because one of my intentions for 2013 is to complete things.  In fairness, I did write a little bit each night last Monday-Friday, but I didn’t *really* make an effort at completing it.  This is partially because while I used to love posting random things for the universe, I found myself more private-feeling in the last few years.  I gotta tell you guys, I LOVE not having a facebook account anymore with everything up there for the world to see. – even though it did have major-serious privacy settings.

Anyhoo, the first night I started writing this it turned out to be six pages, and I wasn’t even half-way done.  Right now, it stands at ten.  After the first night I realized that it could actually be a series of posts, and that’s how I guess I’ll do it.  So – for the next week or so, if I keep up with this ‘completion’ thing, I’ll be posting something that was different/special about 2012, and then the final post will be my intentions for 2013.  If you separate 2012 out from all the other years and look at it by itself, it was a really good year.  It’s the first year in a long time where I really feel like a learned a lot about things that ultimately make my life more enjoyable.

Interestingly enough, I think 2013 may be even more fun and exciting.  We shall see.  (I hope so!) In the meantime, here’s the look back on last year and the look forward for next.

Lesson Learned #1

Questioning my immediate viewpoint.  You could rephrase this as, “Don’t jump to conclusions.”  Here’s an example.  In mid-March, I was sitting at one of my clients’ offices when he sent me an assignment. I had no idea how to do it or WTF he was talking about.  My first reaction was this:

“JESUS! Why is he sending me something that I know nothing about?  WTH can’t he take five minutes to explain to me what this is? Why do people always just toss something my way and expect that I’ll be able to figure it out!?! I’m going to look like such an idiot when I turn this in!”

I actually started to cry, considered walking out the door…and then I thought about it.  Maybe the client didn’t know that I didn’t know how to do this.  Maybe the client expected me to call with any questions.

I picked up the phone, called the client, and said, “No offense, but I’ve never done a transaction like this.  Would you mind giving me a five minute overview, and I’ll see what I can do?”

The client then apologized (unnecessarily) and mentioned that he’d forgotten that I’d never done corporate law before, and then gave me a two-minute description…which was all I needed to complete the work.

I believe this is what my life coach would refer to as ‘being at the cause of your life rather than the effect.’

Here’s another really basic example.  The other day I was at home trying to work and the dog kept nudging me in the leg because she wanted to go for a walk.  I did NOT want to go for a walk.  I was freezing, it was cold outside, and I was tired.  Then I thought about it and realized that a walk would improve my circulation, pep me up, and make me feel warmer once I was back inside.  Suddenly I was totally jazzed to take the dog for a walk.

During 2012, I found myself in a few situations where my past normal reaction would be to feel sorry for myself and get upset with the other person. Now, I typically respond in a proactive and assertive manner.  Not only that, but it’s not assertive in the sense of being aggressive, defensive, or protective.  I take an extra thirty seconds (or five minutes) to think about where the other person is coming from, what they want, and then respond accordingly seeking clarification.  My perceived and actual level of conflict in my life has been reduced dramatically.  Granted, I don’t catch myself in every situation, but probably 90% of the time, and it continues to improve. 

In that same vein, I find that I complain about things a lot less often because I can ‘fix’ a lot of things simply by reframing my viewpoint. At the end of the day, there’s not many things that I feel are ‘beyond my control’ so to speak, and I guess that’s a new viewpoint/lesson-learned as well. For many years I thought people did things to me, and now I see that my viewpoint of people doing things to me was simply a perception…and not a very healthy/productive one.

A 2012 resolution kept...

So I’m planning on doing a 2012 recap as well as my intentions for 2013, but earlier today I was reading Texas Transplant, and she was commenting on her favorite albums of 2012.  Her post jogged my memory that one of my 2012 resolutions, after being laid-off from the corporate world and on account of having more free time, would be to have more music in my life.  As I hope to highlight in my post for 2013, my relationship with music has changed a bit, so I don’t think I’ll see as many shows this next year, but at least at the beginning of 2012, it was all about getting out and seeing/hearing music. I know I’m missing people, but below are the live shows I remember catching for 2012. PS – a “*” means it was a particularly good show.

1. Avett Brothers

2. Danny Barnes

3. Vince Bell

4. Blitzen Trapper

5. Zac Brown Band (can you tell that this was a date?)

6. Buxton

7. Adam Carroll

8. Jonny Corndawg (now playing as Jonny Fritz)

9. Gary Clark, Jr.

10. Guy Clark

11. The Clarkes (2x)

12. Dave Matthews (Hey, a friend bought the tix…and they’re actually not that bad.)

13. Deadeye

14. Diego’s Umbrella*

15. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros (2x)

16. Lincoln Durham
17. Ana Egge

18. The Farewell Drifters

19. Ghosts Along the Brazos

20. Glass the Sky

21. Granville Automatic
22. Greensky Bluegrass (2x)

23. Green Mountain Grass (2x)
24. Infamous Stringdusters

25. Halleyanna/The Wildflowers

26. Matt Harlan (and the Sentimentals) (2x)

27. The Head and the Heart*

28. Head for the Hills

29. Marshall and Warren Hood

30. Ray Wylie Hubbard

31. Brian Hudson

32. Phoebe Hunt (3x…4x if you count her coming onstage with Edward Sharpe)

33. Iron & Wine

34. Sarah Jarosz* (keep your eye on her)

35. The Lumineers (2x )

36. Gurf Morlix

37. James McMurtry

38. Milkdrive* (2x)

39. Rhett Miller

40. Molly and the Ringwalds

41. Mumford and Sons

42. Musketeer Gripweed*

43. Willie Nelson

44. Papa Grows Funk

45. Punch Brothers

46. Railroad Earth

47. Raina Rose

48. Bruce Robison and Kelly Willis

49. Bob Schneider

50. Billy Joe Shaver

51. Shovels & Rope* (2x)

52. Silent Comedy

53. Snoop Dogg

54. The Steel Wheels

55. Sugar and the Hi-Lows

56. Owen Temple

57. The Tontons

58. Trampled by Turtles* (2x)

59. Dustin Welch

60. Gillian Welch* (my favorite show of 2012)

61. Wood & Wire* (so ready to see them again!)

Shows I was a little sorry to miss in 2012:

The Chris Robinson Brotherhood, Old Crowe Medicine Show, 3-Penny Acre, Jackson Browne

So...I think I did ok on that resolution.  :-)  Happy new year to y'all! May 2013 be your best year yet...until 2014!