Codependent much?

Since I started working from home, little Martha and I have become more tight than ever.  It's gotten to the point where, if I leave the house for even a few mintues, I find myself apologizing for the separation.

Last night, after spending the evening (a whole two hours) at a social endeavor, I came home and threw my corduroy jacket on the couch.  Ten minutes later I walked by, and Martha had fashioned it into a nest and was lying on top of it.

This is unhealthy, yes?

Tell Me a Story...

I have a friend who loves to say, “Whatever you do, marry someone who loves you more.  My mom always taught me that, and it’s what I did.”  My friend is a no-muss, no-fuss, never admit emotion kind of gal.  She met her husband in high school, dated him for a little while in college, did her own thing for a few years after, and ultimately married him just prior to turning to thirty. According to all accounts, he chased her the whole time while she went on her merry way, until one day, she thought about it and realized that he was her best friend.

Although the friend and I knew each other in college, it wasn’t until she was married that I really got to know her and her husband. Their marriage has at times been a fireworks display, full of drama, fights, and evenings when you were embarrassed for both of them, but over time, it has settled into something solid, and one thing I would never argue against, their relationship is passionate in every way.

This weekend, I was having dinner with her. Her husband had been out of town for most of the week and when we went back to her house and found him there, she ran to his arms, and started to cry (never seen that before!), quietly sniffling, “I missed you.”

Standing there, I started to cry too, because there’s so very few people I know who love each other as much as they do.

My brother and sister-in-law are a similar scenario.  It starts with her attending a Super Bowl party thrown by my brother and his roommate.  So enthralled with my brother was my SIL that she promptly dropped the pie that she baked for the event.  She was also dating the best friend of the roommate at the time. The story goes that after a brief tempestuous courtship they parted ways, until five years later my brother realized that she was his best friend.  Two years after that, they married. The real story, which has been whispered in my ear in parts over the years by my brother, my SIL, and their friends, reveals the growth of a relationship that is much more akin to the art of making sausage. All that being said, today my brother and SIL are so in love and such a united front that I sometimes feel compelled to gag.  And as the officiant said in the opening part of their wedding, “This is a relationship with a lot of passion.”

A year or so ago, my closest friend from high school emailed me asking for advice.  She was in the middle of a divorce and met a guy atop a rooftop party in NYC.  She knew.  She was instantly smitten. And when they later went out on a date, he revealed that he had a girlfriend in Europe to whom he was engaged, and so they could never be together. “What do I do?” she asked.

“No offense,” I responded, “but this dude sounds like a sleaze.  Run. Run!!!”

She wrote back and said, “You have given me thoughtful advice, but I feel like in the past, I’ve let go of love too easily.  And with all due respect, I’m going to go for it.”

And a year later, after dating on the sly, or non-dating on the sly, the fiance moving here, and dealing with that and everything else, the European was eventually put back on a plane, and now my friend is with the guy she met that night.

Then there was a friend who for years described a situation which caused me to bite my tongue and keep from saying, “No offense, but I’m not sure this even qualifies as a relationship.”

Yeah, turns out that in the past year they both realized that they can’t live without the other.

We like to think that when we finally meet the one for us, things just work.  Things flow smoothly and the other person treats you like a king/queen from day one. You don’t feel insecure; you never fear losing them. Any arguments are quickly resolved, and when it’s right, YOU JUST KNOW, IT JUST WORKS.  Conflict and struggle with the ultimate high-pitched resolve? Well, that’s just the crap that happens in the movies. But the more I look around, the more I see that the relationships that I consider to be the strongest are the ones that weren’t always “pretty.”

It’s not that I think you can’t have a happy, long-lasting relationship without intense controversy.  It’s just when I’ve viewed those types of relationships within my social circle, they seem to appear more like a well-run business with a good marketing campaign rather than a passionate relationship.

I had something once that I felt passionate about, but ultimately came to the decision that I wanted to be around someone equally passionate, equally able to believe that things will work out, even when bleak is the only way to describe the situation.  Since then my relationship(s) have been ones of caution and box-checking, and a few years ago, I narrowly escaped a non-passionate, but caring situation on the verge of engagement. But as just noted, narrowly escaped, meaning I apparently still don’t want anything less than crazy passion – both the good and the bad.

So my question is, what’s your story?  If you have a significant other with whom you can simultaneously want to poke their eyes out and get naked with, was it a long haul?  Conversely, has anyone had a mostly perfect relationship with a marriage that’s lasted longer than ten years? And how did you meet?  That last question was supposed to be my original theme for the post, but I got sidetracked by my thoughts.

Many years ago, long before my brother had even met his love, I was fretting over something with a guy, and he said this, “It doesn’t matter. If it’s meant to be, it will happen regardless of what you say/do.”

“What?” I asked.

“When you find the one, it doesn’t matter what you do.  You can throw up all over him on your first date.  You can run into him while you’re not wearing makeup.  You don’t need to be on your best behavior. You can hate each other on sight.  You can be the most horrible person to him.  He can be the most horrible person to you. But in the end, they’re the person for you, it’s meant to be, and there’s nothing either of you can do to change it.”

What do you think?

Hey East Coasters...

When a hurricane is fast approaching the Gulf Coast, like say in 2008 when Ike came and stole Houston's electricity for a month and blew out half our traffic lights, did y'all start getting bombarded by the news nearly a week ahead of its occurrence? Or do news outlets think that hurricanes which hit the Gulf Coast are no big deal as they only affect cities like Galveston, Houston, New Orleans, and coastal towns in Mississippi?

Just curious, as I can't read any form of national online publication without hearing about Sandy. Maybe it's because a lot of news centers are located on the east coast?

What does your thermostat say?

When I was growing up, my parents never let the thermostat go above 67 degrees in the winter or below 82 degrees in the summer.  I remember always feeling just one touch away from miserable temperature-wise.

Now that I'm older (and pay my own gas/electricity bill) I find myself feeling like I should follow the same rules, and then thinking, "This is like driving ten miles to find gas that is ten cents cheaper."  Okay, so maybe it's not the same thing, but as a psuedo-adult with control over the temperature in my own home, my most tolerable limits seem to be 71 degrees in the winter and 80 degrees in the summer.

And at this ripe age, I think I am just now getting to the point of embracing and accepting my temperature choices (as opposed to considering myself either a wimp or overindulgent).

What about y'all?  Do you set the temperature to your own comfortability level (and those of others in your home) or do you find yourself thinking, "I could/should save myself a few bucks without any real hardship on my part?"

Also, this week in the small-joys-that-make-a-difference department, my landlord came and cut away all the excess junk from the yard greenery...for the first time since I moved in.  It's crazy how excited I am to be able to back out of my driveway without worrying about taking on a tree branch.

The remains of the 'trim.' Bonfire anyone?

And...we're back...

Ok, so a few months ago, I was tired of the old blog template.  No longer was I fan of the name, “Think like a woman, act like a man,” and most of my posts throughout the years had related to being a grad student and then starting a “career.”  After throwing off my long sought-after career and experiencing an odd combination of upheaval in both my romantic and personal life, I retitled the blog, “Adventures with Toto” because I was midlife and feeling a little lost. Giving myself and Martha the new, shiny names of Dorothy and Toto made me feel like I was opening a new door and moving in a different direction.

Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?  Dorothy spends the movie trying to find her way home, and in the end learns that she has had the power to go home the whole time. And I dunno, but that’s kind of the point that I reached one day.  I’m still figuring out the bill-paying portion of my life, but when I look around, I realize that I have a wonderful group of friends, a great family, the best dog ever, and have created a pretty happy life. Sometimes you just have to take a long walk to realize it.

So I’ve change the blog, yet again, to reflect this and gone back to being Ana and Martha once again.  I’ve updated the sidebar a bit and added a few new blogs to the blog roll. Plus, for the first time, I've actually got the guts to put a picture of myself in the header.  It's kind of a dream to write this blog one day and not worry about it being found by employers or mothers or ex-boyfriends or anyone else.  I feel like I'm moving towards that.

In addition, I’ve reposted the first blog post written when I started the blog seven years ago.  When the blog got popular during law school, I took it down, because I thought it revealed too many personal items.  After reading it the other night, I realized that although it is somewhat of a grammatical nightmare, it’s a pretty good description of who I am: silly, melodramatic, searching, loyal, rambly, publicly emotive, and ridiculously sentimental.  I haven’t always embraced these qualities in myself, but age tends to make one a little more accepting. Hopefully I'll be making more posts like it in the near future.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Ana

Well, that should reel in 50% of your constituency...Not.

Apparently the GOP has now added pro-rape to their platform.  You think I'm kidding?

Last night, Richard Mourdock, a Indiana Senatorial candidate offered this little gem during a debate:

“Life is a gift from God. And, I think, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen.”

That's right ladies and gents.  If you or your wife or your girlfriend or your mom or your sister, or any other woman out there gets raped and becomes pregnant, don't fret...it was God's will!

You'd think others would be appalled by this, but no!!!  Here's what one of Texas' senators had to say about it.

“Richard and I, along with millions of Americans – including even Joe Donnelly [Dem Candidate] – believe that life is a gift from God.  To try and construe his words as anything other than a restatement of that belief is irresponsible and ridiculous."

Yep, if you were offended by Mourdock's comments, according to John Cornyn you are irresponsible and ridiculous. I mean, really, what are you gals whining about?  You should all be happy that you're not living in Pakistan!

And the Republican candidate for our next president?  What does his camp have to say?

"We disagree on the policy regarding exceptions for rape and incest BUT STILL SUPPORT HIM [my emphasis].”

You've got to be kidding me.

I guess the reason they all backed away from Akins after his "legitimate rape" comment was because any dummy knows, if the chick didn't get pregnant, it wasn't because her own body prevented the pregnancy, but rather god's intention.

 Read the news story here. Sadly, free barf bags are not included.

In 1990, a guy in Texas made a similar and equally offensive comment about women that cost him the position of governor.  Twenty years later, I'm not so sure women matter.

 
And on days like today, I really-really-really wish that ladies like Ann Richards and Molly Ivins were still around.

Fun Weekend, YAY!

One of my dear friends from college is a super-talented photographer and photojournalist.  Over the last few years she’s been branching out and moving her prints to fabrics.  Recently she coupled with a local store to create home goods. Last Thursday night, I visited her at the kick-off event.

You pick out the fabric you like and place your order for...

Upholstery!

Table runner, placemat, napkin, or ...

I ordered a scarf in this pretty fabric...with my credit card!

 If you live in the Houston-area, be sure to check it all out at Settlement Goods in the Montrose area.

My friend is also amazing at portraits.

But it gets better!  After that, another friend and I went to House of Blues to see one my most favoritest bands of late - Trampled by Turtles.  YAYAYAYAYAYA!

Dear camera phone, you and I are NOT friends. Notice the striking difference in the UNprofessional photographer.

 They are from Minnesota, so they don't hit Texas too often.  The show was SO GOOD, and then for some reason after the show, an employee from the House of Blues walked up to me and my friend and asked if we wanted to go to the Foundation Room, which is a private bar at HOB.  We got back there and it was just us, the band, and the band's friends.

Um, awkward. Why were we in there?  My friend kept telling me to go say hi to the band, but I was just like, "OhmigoshtheyaresuchgreatmusiciansandwouldthinkIwassuchadorkIcouldnever!"

"No really, Ana! Just talk to them!"

"Uh,Ican'tbecausethey'llprobablythinkI'magroupie,whichI'mnot,orworse,thelameaspiringtobelivingroomqualitymusicianthatIam."

At one point the banjo player was taking pictures of people and my friend was like "Go offer to take the picture for them," and when I did he was like, "Uh, no thanks."  So......that was my great brush with artistry. I did talk to the tour manager later, and he was very nice despite the fact that I'd had like ten glasses of wine by that point. PS though - the Foundation Room has a MUCH better wine selection than the main hall.

I kept telling my friend how the band was playing the next night in Austin with omg, Punch Brothers, and I just couldn't believe I was going to miss it!  My friend was like, "Why don't you just go?"  And I was like, "Huh, why don't I?" A few texts later to a friend in Austin, it was done!

Yeah, camera phone.  You still SUCK. La Zona Rosa (the venue),  I still love you.

My friend took pictures of Punch Brothers for me, but hasn't emailed them yet. Phooey. I had only planned to stay Friday night, but my friend asked me to stay and join in for her friend's birthday who was in town from Boston. This ending up being an evening involving karoake and jello shots.  (Yeah, at that event, fans came up to talk to me!) We also spent a few hours 'sampling' cake slices at Chez Zee while picking out a cake for the birthday gal. And of course we had to hit County Line for barbecue...and then burgers at Crown & Anchor while watching that wonderful college football game this weekend.  Yikes.

All in all, I barely got back to Houston on Sunday before nightfall.  It was a fun weekend.  :-)

And while writing this, my ipod has played three songs in a row by The Trishas even though the darn thing is on shuffle. Luckily, The Trishas are well-liked in this house.

Follow your bliss..

At dinner last night with a friend…

Me: So my last paycheck comes in, and it was three hundred dollars shy of my rent payment.  So I pulled $300 out of nowhere and then my cell phone bill came due for $100 and then, in the last ten days I’ve spent about a hundred bucks in groceries and what not. Now I’m $500 behind before I even received my next check. And while it’s great that I’m talking to my parents again, they now want me to come home for Christmas which is like a $400 plane flight, $200 for boarding the dog, $50 for bags, possibly not working that week.  AAAAAAAHHHH!  I know if I asked my parents for the money, they’d give it to me, but at the same time, there would be this whole air of disappointment the whole time I was there. “This is our daughter Ana. She’s should be supporting us at this age, but she couldn’t afford to make this trip because she’s too lazy to just suck it up and get a real job. Oh well, at least we have two children who are financially stable.”

Friend: Tell me about it. I just feel so overwhelmed right now.  My admin quit. I’ve got a hearing tomorrow in Texarkana and another one in Austin next week.  I just wish I had someone to help me out a little bit.

Me: Really?  You were paying the admin $10/hour, right?  You want me to do some filing for you?

F: For $10/hour?  Isn’t that insulting?

Me: I dunno.  We could hang out. I could make a little money.  You could get stuff done.

F: Gah, that might be awesome.  I just want enough time to clean my house right now.

Me: OMG, I love cleaning houses!  Can I do that too?

F: Ana, I couldn’t let you clean my house.  That’s just… I don’t know.  Clean my house?

Me: It’s a stress reliever for me. 

F: It’s too bad that you don’t have an interest in litigation because I’ve got clients approaching me like crazy right now.

Me: Yeah, I think I’d rather clean your toilets for $10/hour.

F: Well, I think we could set something up to work for you until you find your way. As much as I hate for you to do it, I need both a secretary and a housecleaner.

Me: I’m so stoked!

F: You are an odd girl.

One more reason NOT to live in Austin...

Long time readers of this blog (in whatever iteration) know that I lived in Austin for many, many years before moving to Houston.  The idea of whether to move back to Austin or stay in Houston regularly gets tossed around in my head.  I love both cities, very much, but for very different reasons.

Today I stumbled across an event in Austin, and at first glance, I thought it was a joke.  Apparently, it is "International Babywearing Week."  Next thing you know someone will start a "Stay Home with Your Dog, Drink Beer, and Poke Fun at Others Week."  Hmmm....  With a little research I discovered that there is an organization sponsoring all this stuff.

Image from http://www.bwiaustin.org/

Ever wanted to know how to pull off that super swaddle?  They've got your answer.  Now the whole 'babywearing' fad isn't what's giving me pause.  Anyone who's ever been handed one of those "50 ways to tie a scarf" pamphlets at American*Apparel knows the wonders and fascination of what can be done with a simple piece of cloth.  And let's face it, people have been using children as accessories for ages, so why not start a club highlighting the myriad of ways to do so?

No, what freaked the bejeezus out of me is that in honor of International Babywearing Week, the local Austin chapter is planning a series of events which include a BABYWEARING FLASH MOB.  Suddenly I feel very uncomfortable. Like I'm a little kid who's been touched inappropriately and is now being asked to point it out on a doll. Babywearing flash mob? Babywearing seems like something that would occur Austin.  So do flash mobs. But these two things do not seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly.

No doubt someone will film this show, and all I can comment is, there's gotta be better uses for YouTube than that.

Suffice to say, this week the score is: Austin: 0, Houston: 1.

More on that work stuff...

I touched on this in a recent post, but I thought I’d expand on it a little.  Right now I’m freelancing, and it’s enough to keep me mostly afloat, but still not quite enough financially.  Why am I doing this instead of returning to a full-time job like I had before?

At my last ‘real’ job, I practiced a very specific area of law.  It was a growing and ‘hot’ area of law.  When I got laid off, recruiters were happy to meet with me and send me out on interviews.  So what’s the deal?  Well, it was such a specific area of law that I was left with two options: work in a very large multinational company or work at a large law firm.  Neither of these appealed to me.  Had I worked for years and years, I probably would have been able to set up my own shop and do consulting. But here’s the second piece. I didn’t *like* the type of law that I practiced.  When I first started working at mega-company, I used my legal skills to make business decisions.  That, I enjoyed.  By the time I left, I was doing purely legal work.  That made me want to gag most days.

Now I’m practicing a different type of law, and while I do like it more, it’s still practicing law.  However, it has a lot of areas which can be applied in a business setting should I ever return to something like that.  At the same time, I’m not sure I want to be doing this forever either.  It’s perfect for the transitional stage I’m at right now, but the truth is, I’m really not so sure how much longer I want to be a lawyer-lawyer.

So if not that, then what? Uh… That’s the zillion dollar question, but I KNOW something is out there that’s a good fit.  It’s odd to say this, but at my favorite job ever, I made $6.50 an hour as a runner.  What was cool about that, you ask?  I worked for an arts and music paper in Austin, and so while yes, I did nothing more than pick up and drop off, I met the neatest people at that job.  I picked up copy, graphics, and payments from all the independent business owners, coffee shops, and restaurants around town that advertised in the paper. I stopped by most bars every week and met with the people who booked the live shows to pick up the music listings for the week. There were some people who had no idea what they were doing, but there were other amazing people who loved their job and couldn’t believe they got paid to work every day.  There was creativity all around me in that job, and there were people who were majorly accepting of other lifestyles, looks, and you name it.  There were CRAZY stories about what these people had done in their youth and what they were still doing today, and you could almost always squirrel your way into almost any art, music, or film in the city, usually for free. It rocked.

The company eventually offered me a full-time job…for 8.50/hour…doing accounting work.  Not only would I not be able to pay my bills, but I wouldn’t be doing the stuff I loved anymore, so I said no thanks.  In hindsight, I probably should have done a better job with staying in touch with that group or doing stuff for them on the side, but I didn’t.

Today, I want something with the feel of what that job had. Preferably, I’d like to start part-time and see how it goes. That’s the great thing about doing freelance law. If I can get enough clients/work set up, then I can spend the rest of the week doing something else for $20/hour if need be – because I’ve realized that I do need that second piece in my life…and not just on the weekends or when I can squeeze in an hour or two outside of a hectic law job. I’ve gone through tons of ideas over the past year, and I’m still picking through them.  I’ve written down lists of things I love and how to piece that together.  For example, I love coordinating and organizing things. This gets written down as a skill.  I love music venues and coffee shops. This gets listed as job factor. I like writing. Skill. I like being outside of an office. Job factor. Booking agent? No. Concert promoter? Meh. Part-time music writer? I’d do that for $20/hour. For what publication? Who do you know there? Do you have the balls to make a random phone call? Are you prepared with a piece to offer them? I throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks.

Other days I go out and see what inspires me.  Getting out of the house is key.  I’m a big believer in finding opportunities through the people you know (as opposed to online or in ads) so right now whenever I meet with a friend, I’m sure to mention two things: a) I am always looking for new clients who may need contracts reviewed; and b) if you hear of any part-time openings in the arts, music, non-profit, or education sector, will you pass it on? Occasionally, people actually come up with something.

Here’s the frustrating part. While I *feel* like I am making progress and doing what’s right for me, I’m still not there yet. I’m not saving any money. I’m not able to make the standard payment on my student loans.  I don’t have health insurance. Any unexpected charge over $50 gives me a mild heart attack. It’s like I’m 22 again…except that I’m approaching forty.  And people all around me are like, “What are you doing with your life, and when are you going to get a job? Get married? Have kids? Buy a house? Etc.?” And it’s weird to look at people and say that you don’t even WANT half of those things that, you know, everybody-else-in-the-world-does-so they-think-you-should-to-and-really-it’s-not-even-a-choice-that’s-just-what-people-do-so-aren’t-you-just-denying-the-inevitable-or-otherwise-going-to-end-up-poor-and-alone-or-maybe-you-secretly-want-those-things-to-but-just-can’t-get-them-so-you-say-this-instead?

And this is why I am such good friends with my dog, people! Seriously though, most of my friends have been super supportive and understanding throughout the process. And more likely, most of the pressure to come up with something already is internal. It will happen.  And that’s one more indication to me that I’m making progress.  For the first time in my life, I really do believe that I will figure this out and create something perfect for me. And that’s what keeps me motivated to keep looking and thinking.

First Cold Front of the Season...

And someone is none too happy about it.

I finally relented and turned on the heat because the house was a "freezing" 67 degrees. Yes, we are wimps...and we are totally ok with that.

Oh Boo!

My mom's tests came back inconclusive.  This is good in the sense that the ultrasound isn't showing cancer or something else awful.  Bad, in the sense that my mom is still sick.  I'm not a religious person, but I do believe that in this world we are all connected. So if you have a moment, think good thoughts for my mommy and the hope that she'll be feeling better soon.

Yeah, I was born wearing red shoes.

Internal Melodramatics...

Truth be told, I write every three days or so.  It’s just that I rarely post anything on this blog. It was easier when I was more anonymous and throwing my thoughts out into the ether.  Now I feel like most of the people who read are those who know me in some capacity.

First things first – Because I am never quite sure which persona I am signed in as: Dot, Ana, [insert real name here], I would like to comment on the blogs of others, right here, because I know that they’ll eventually see it…I think.

LagLiv: I’m finding LagLiv really inspiring right now, and I almost jumped out of my chair with glee when I read her “What if” post tonight. Her husband, JP, recently went through a layoff, and they’re reevaluating things.  I’m going to sound like a total jerk here, but I was kind of excited when I read that her husband had been laid off. No, I don’t wish her any ill will or financial dysfunction. My first thought was that it might turn into a great opportunity for JP. I’ve been reading her blog for over five years now, and when JP first got the job he recently lost, I was really happy for them, but at the same time…a little sad.  Because, while again, I don’t know them at all, my thought was, “This guy has so many talents and a wonderful passion for certain things, and I wonder if he isn’t wasting them by doing a desk job.” I realize that most of us must, at certain moments in our lives, make compromises for the greater good.  And who knows, maybe JP loves working in a business environment, but the way LavLiv describes him, the things she seems to love the most about him, it’s like she herself doesn’t imagine him doing the corporate thing. They seem like such an awesome partnership. I’m excited to see where they go with it, and I know that they’ll weather this storm and come out happier on the other side.

Butterflyfish: I’ve always been very awed by you for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on. CONGRATS on the new job, and managing three kids, two of whom are very tiny and one who is getting a little bit older too quickly!

CM: I was about to post that while CM hadn’t written about anything major recently, I had the distinct impression that she was ruminating about certain things in a big way.  Then I realized that I hadn’t checked her page in over a week.  Looks like she might be done ruminating.  You go, girl!

And me? Well, this has been a really good year, but also a really HARD year.  The other night my dad asked how my full-time employment search was coming along, and I thought, “Wha-what?”  My mother commented on my lack of health insurance and retirement savings. They are, as parents, both concerned and disappointed.

I don’t regret going to law school. I don’t regret blowing through five years of savings and racking up a monthly mortgage payment of debt, and I say that even if in a few years I no longer practice law. As a result of going to law school I’ve moved to a wonderful city, made and reconnected with some great friends, learned a lot about myself, up-ed my income ability, and gained a lot more confidence than I had before I went to law school, but here’s where I stand right now.

Tonight I filled out the forms for income-based repayment on my student loans, because I can’t afford the standard payment.  With the amount of work I’m doing, I’m just not covering my costs. It was difficult. I make less than I did when I graduated from college, and that's somewhat my own choice.  I like to think of myself as someone who is always financially responsible.

Working from home and creating your own schedule is wonderful.  It can also be very isolating.  Some days the only ‘person’ I interact with is the dog.  Some days I don’t have any work to do at all. I know we all think that if we had an abundance of free time, we’d never run out of things to do.  It’s true, and it’s not true.  Most of my friends are not around between the hours of 8-6, and I’m left to my own devices.  Some days I’ll play around on my fiddle, read a book, or take a walk.  It’s weird sometimes to get out of bed when you don’t have anything on your agenda.  Why shower, get dressed, or put on make-up when no one will see you?  I never used to watch TV, and now I have to smack my hand when I’m tempted to turn it on and watch Criminal Minds reruns all day. I do volunteer work.  I look up brainteasers online and try to keep my mind active. I tell myself NOT to grab a glass of wine at 3 pm when there’s no reason to not drink.

The crazy 60-hour workweek may not be fulfilling, but it is definitely distracting.  I refuse to go back to it, but I’m still figuring out how to function in a world of NO RULES WHATSOEVER. When your life is very structured, you never have to really think about things. When your life has no structure, you think about everything, all the time.  I recently was considering getting a second dog and had to stop myself.  A new dog would force me to be present (Hello, dog-training, exercise, adjustment), but ultimately, it wouldn’t be much more than another distraction. I mean, once she was settled – then what?  Plus, a new dog would make me more home-bound than I already am. A new dog would cost money (that I don’t have). Martha really gives me everything I need/want as far a dog goes.

When you sit around on your butt all day you wonder, “How can I create fulfillment and meaning in my life?”  Dude, it’s like you’re a teenager again.  What do I love?  What makes my wheels turn? I love to observe others.  It’s what attracts me to bars, libraries, coffee shops.  The other day I was volunteering at a center where the terminally ill enter for their final days.  A group of friends and family had gathered to pay their final respects for one of them, and when dinner time came around, they congregated in the kitchen.  I stood in the doorway and watched them. You’d think it would be horrifically sad, but it was exhilarating.  They sat around the kitchen table reminiscing, some of them catching up with those they hadn’t seen in ages. They laughed, a lot. They shared, and they loved, and I felt honored to see it occur.  It’s rare to witness that type of joy. And it wouldn’t have happened if someone they knew hadn’t been lying in a bed down the hall dying. In some ways, life seems screwy that way, and then you realize, NO, this is supposed to happen.  THIS IS LIFE.

It’s odd to be a hermit who finds enjoyment from being in the vicinity of others. It’s strange to always be the quiet outsider, and yet I, for the most part, can’t imagine it any other way.  Recently I deactivated my facebook account – because it was such a time-suck, and I felt as if I was connected to other human beings via their status updates.  The idea was that if I turned it off, it would force me to interact with actual human beings.  As it turns out, on my first day of facebook-free status, I stayed home and cleaned the heck out of my refrigerator.  “I should be doing something,” I told myself, “I should be getting out there.  I should be writing.” 

I was reminded of an email that my mother sent me a few years ago when I was working like crazy and lamenting the fact that I hadn’t written in ages.  For those of you who don’t know, my mother is a painter, and in her email she recounted how she had all of these empty sketchbooks, and that she went through phases where she wasn’t inspired to paint and lived in fear that she would die, and all of us would find the sketchbooks empty, but that ultimately, it was ok.

And as I sat, up to my elbows in bleach and rubber-gloved wonder, I realized that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  It was okay that I wasn’t writing.  What was important was that I COULD write if I wanted to.  I’d shaped my life to allow myself this option, and when the time came, I would be able to do it.

And that’s how it goes, I think. It’s ok to have open days. It’s okay to be in a state of flux and approaching midlife…because even if I’m not doing all the things that ‘everyone else’ thought I should do, all the things that I am ‘capable’ of doing, I am slowly but surely creating a life in which I will one day do the things that fulfill me, and even though it can sometimes be boring or frightening or whatever else, as long as I believe in what I am doing and trust in myself, it will work itself out.

The Barometer...

October 19, 1987

Ana (Calling from school):…

Mom: Hello?

Ana: Mom?  It’s me, Ana. I’m sick. I have a fever.  Can you come pick me up?

Mom: I knew you were sick! I needed to run some errands, but I’ve been waiting here all day for you to call. The moment the phone rang, I knew.  I knew! It’s that mother-child barometer.

I haven’t spoken to my mother since March of this year.  We got into an argument.  I got upset.  She got upset. I needed a break.  So tonight, I watched in amazement as I typed her number into my phone and dialed. On the first try, it went to voicemail. I sat there for a few moments and tried again.  My dad answered.

October 1, 2012

Dad: We were in Montana last week, and we had reservations in the Tetons later that week when she told me to turn around and go home. Once we got back, she took a turn for the worse. Something’s wrong.  She can’t eat. Today we took her to the doctor for tests.

Ana: Let me talk to her.

Dad: She’s really sick. She might not want to.

Ana: Put her on the phone.

….

Mom: (muffled) Hello?

Ana: So there’s this thing you once told me about called the mother-child barometer.  It works both ways….
Mom: I'm fine.
Ana: Shut up and talk to me.