You know, it’s weird. Sometimes clarity comes from meditating. Other times it’s a long walk outdoors or discussing ideas with a trusted friend. And occasionally it comes from drinking so much that you can’t feel your toes. When the outcome is the right one, it becomes hard to judge your method, even if you do find yourself inclined to remove fifteen or so facebook and blog posts the following day. ;-) (On the upside, I didn’t seem to text anyone.)
Sometimes benders are good it seems. They make you realize that SOMETHING must really be bothering you, and then work to identify it, recounting thoughts, actions, and behaviors from the days before.
Here’s what I realized. I don’t want to go back to a corporation OR practice the type of law that I was practicing. There, I said it. (She waits for lightning to strike her.) However, since being laid-off I’ve been halfheartedly applying and interviewing exclusively for these types of jobs. Why? Because I felt scared to try something new. Because I’ve already invested X years in this field and thought I should continue. Because I perceive that I can make a lot more money in this field than in a new one. Because I thought I’d find a job more quickly. Because it’s the “safe” thing to do.
I was never comfortable working at the corporation although I tried to tell myself it was okay. I tried to tell myself that I was being overdramatic, immature, self-righteous, and too idealistic in my beliefs and values. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with making money. There’s nothing wrong with making lots of money. However, if you one day look in the mirror and can hardly recognize the person looking back at you, it may be time to make a change. And I’ve been happier than I have been in years – living on $400 a week. In the end, it isn’t so much a judgment call on the nature of companies as it is the recognition that working at one probably isn’t compatible with what I want out of life.
The thought had been creeping up on me. I’d been tossing out the idea in conversation. Sunday I really realized that I want to let it go – no more checking job boards, calling recruiters, etc., so that I can move on to concentrating on other things. So that’s the good news. The bad news? OMG,IHAVEN’TBEENWORKINGFORFIVEMONTHSALREADYANDI’MJUSTNOWFIGURINGTHISOUT?!??
I have a few ideas, but I feel like I’m starting at square one. Then again, maybe I should be celebrating the fact that I have made a command decision on saying yes to potential happiness. Yeah, it’s still a little scary, but it’s going to be awesome, right?