You know, it’s weird.
Sometimes clarity comes from meditating.
Other times it’s a long walk outdoors or discussing ideas with a trusted
friend. And occasionally it comes from
drinking so much that you can’t feel your toes.
When the outcome is the right one, it becomes hard to judge your method,
even if you do find yourself inclined to remove fifteen or so facebook and blog
posts the following day. ;-) (On the upside, I didn’t seem to text anyone.)
Sometimes benders are good it seems. They make you realize that SOMETHING must
really be bothering you, and then work to identify it, recounting thoughts,
actions, and behaviors from the days before.
Here’s what I realized.
I don’t want to go back to a corporation OR practice the type of law
that I was practicing. There, I said
it. (She waits for lightning to strike
her.) However, since being laid-off I’ve
been halfheartedly applying and interviewing exclusively for these types of
jobs. Why? Because I felt scared to try something
new. Because I’ve already invested X
years in this field and thought I should continue. Because I perceive that I can make a lot more
money in this field than in a new one.
Because I thought I’d find a job more quickly. Because it’s the “safe” thing to do.
I was never comfortable working at the corporation although
I tried to tell myself it was okay. I
tried to tell myself that I was being overdramatic, immature, self-righteous, and
too idealistic in my beliefs and values.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s
nothing wrong with making money. There’s
nothing wrong with making lots of money.
However, if you one day look in the mirror and can hardly recognize the
person looking back at you, it may be time to make a change. And I’ve been happier than I have been in
years – living on $400 a week. In the
end, it isn’t so much a judgment call on the nature of companies as it is the
recognition that working at one probably isn’t compatible with what I want out of life.
The thought had been creeping up on me. I’d been tossing out the idea in conversation. Sunday I really realized that I want to let
it go – no more checking job boards, calling recruiters, etc., so that I can
move on to concentrating on other things.
So that’s the good news. The bad
news? OMG,IHAVEN’TBEENWORKINGFORFIVEMONTHSALREADYANDI’MJUSTNOWFIGURINGTHISOUT?!??
I have a few ideas, but I feel like I’m starting at square
one. Then again, maybe I should be
celebrating the fact that I have made a command decision on saying yes to
potential happiness. Yeah, it’s still a
little scary, but it’s going to be awesome, right?
Posts
4 comments:
I know we're just Internet buddies, but you've never struck me as the sort of person who needs lots of money, stability, or prestige to be happy. It seems like being true to yourself is the most important thing for you. Which I guess is sort of a cliche, and you could say that about a lot of people (although not necessarily people in high-level corporate jobs), but your sense of yourself seems very well-defined and independent, and I'd be surprised if you could ever be completely happy in an institutional setting unless you had a lot of freedom.
Figuring out what you really want to do is hard. But yeah, I think it's a definite step toward awesome.
I hope you find something that makes you happy! :) Everyone has their own thing that drives them.
I think that it is awesome that you can admit that out loud. I think that a lot of folks, especially after investing both time and money into a career path, simply can't. Yay for finding whatever it is that works. . . .
Write a book! Write a book! If anyone can handle going out on a ledge professionally, you can! Whatever you do will be awesome, and I have a great deal of faith it will make you happier than any amount of money. Good luck. And remember, you can always start appying to government jobs, finding one is sort of like a lottery, but it happens!
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