Things you can't say in a dating profile, Part 3

PS – To all the guys who say they’re looking for a “smart and classy” woman, I’ve got a few suggestions on how to attract her if isn’t working out for you. First, you might want to utilize spellcheck when writing your profile. Second, you might want to compose the profile from an actual computer rather than typing it out on a smartphone. Third, uh, the hair gel and pics of you bonging beer? Yeah, you might want to lose those. Fourth, and do as you will. I mean, far be it from me to claim to be an expert on these things, but you might want to send emails to women outside the hours of 1-4 am on weekdays. Oh, and we prefer "sophisticated" to "classy."

Things you can't say in a dating profile, Part 2...

Who dares me to add this gem?

PS – I read a lot of profiles from guys who say they’re looking for a woman who is spontaneous and can do things on a moment’s notice. Hot dog! I’ve been waiting for a guy like that all my life. You know, the guy who doesn’t care if my legs are shaved, if I’ve showered, if my hair/make-up is done, if I’m wearing pajama pants in public. That is truly an awesome quality to find in a guy. I love your confidence in knowing that I’m sexy even if I don’t necessarily appear that way to others. And who wouldn’t love to find a guy who doesn’t expect a woman to listen to his every word and chat him up in conversation because she’s worried about the fact that her dog hasn’t been fed/let out or that work assignment due tomorrow that she just left sitting on her desk because, “Hey! I’m spontaneous.” Seriously, message me. I would love to meet you. Better yet, call me at 3 am on a weekday and we can drink at your place until dawn. If I lose my job due to being less than productive because of my hangover, you’re more than happy to financially support me, right?

Things you can't say in a dating profile...

So, I recently signed up for online dating again. It's not so bad. I've realized that I'm much more open to meeting people these days and (somewhat) less defensive/protective. However, occasionally I find that there are things that I "wish" I could put in my online profile. These are the blunt statements that would keep the goofballs away, but sadly would also probably cause the well-adjusted folks to pass as well.

Here's what I wish I could add to it today:

PS – I read a lot of profiles from guys who say that they’re looking for a smart gal with whom they can engage in debate, banter, etc. Here’s the deal: I do that for a living. It’s the last thing I want to do when I come home from work. When guys attempt to challenge my intellect, it’s a complete turn-off. Let's all accept that I'm a smart cookie and move on. Also, since I get paid to win arguments, I’m really-really good at making them. I’m more than happy to admit when I’m wrong, but if you are insistent on engaging in a battle of wits, I’ll go straight into work mode, and you will most definitely not be happy with the outcome. Neither will I, for that matter. If it's important for you to feel like the "smart" one in the relationship, I kindly suggest that you simply assume that you are and never test that theory. Let me be the girl in the relationship and talk about cute shoes. If you want to feel like the alpha male, impress me with your team sport skills or fix my shower. That’s hot.

Spiders Welcome Here...

Am I the only woman who is not afraid of spiders? Wine-time-girl hates them as well. FREAKS OUT at the sight of them. Can we take it one step beyond? Am I the only woman who LIKES spiders? They kill annoying insects that bite me. I love them. To me, they’re all like Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web. They save cute pigs and weave words into their web like, “Radiant.” I mean, really, what’s not to love? Mosquitos, flies, ants, fleas, roaches – I hate those, but spiders…spiders are my friends.