I woke up at 5 am on Saturday and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I ended up cleaning. The house is really starting to look fabulous. I mean, there’s the basic stuff you do to maintain cleanliness and then there’s the great above and beyond.
Last night Wine-Time-Girl called me to see if I wanted to meet for dinner/drinks and I nearly had a coronary because I’d planned to vinegar-wash my wood floors that evening. A few days ago we were at the bookstore and as WTG took her books to the counter I was like, “Oh wait!” and pulled a coupon out of my purse and handed it to her.
I’m going through one of those phases. There’s a big long list of things that need to be done and it’s all the irregular things you don’t usually get around to. For example, my front doormat was dead. It had been dead for a solid year, but in the last few weeks a replacement became utterly necessary. So what did I do? I researched doormats online. No really, I did. And then I went to BB&Beyond, found the one I wanted, and used a coupon. It’s an extremely practical doormat, the kind with the bristles that clean the grooves in your shoes. I bought it because my running shoes often get filled with little pieces of wet grass while I walk the dog. Once the grass dries it all falls off onto the carpet of my bedroom closet driving me completely insane.
But, no more! Now the problem is solved. Now when I wipe my feet on the door mat, the grass actually comes off of my shoes and there’s no more dirt or junk on the floor of the closet. I wonder if little things like this are the kind of things I’m getting around to now that I’m feeling settled or are instead the result of not having a life…except that I am not without a life, at least according to the large desk calendar that hangs on the wall to my left.
Tuesday – Dinner/drinks with girl friend from college
Wednesday – Personal Trainer
Thursday – Drinks with guy friend from law school
Saturday Morning – Yoga with married friend
Saturday Afternoon – lotsa errands
Saturday evening – Birthday party for Other-University friend
Friday is tentatively open. I like watching Ghost Whisperer and haven’t seen it in forever. There’s also a book I need to read for book club, so I might use the time for that. OR, if I’ve got some nervous energy, the tub and the toilet completely need to be scrubbed. Or I could clean the floor mats for the car. Or, or, or.
Yesterday I completed all of the hand-washing that’s been building up. Nothing in my house needs to be ironed. Today I looked up how to clean the upholstery on my couch given that my dog apparently liked to sit on it while I was outside smoking. (The dog is loving this phase. She’s getting two walks and a brushing every day.)
Part of this is keeping myself busy while I don’t smoke. And keeping myself busy so that I don’t eat while I don’t smoke. But all of it seems to be representative of something greater and I haven’t *quite* figured out what it is yet.
The no smoking, massive cleaning, extra-exercise – am I trying to make myself perfect in some way? Is the attempt to better myself just for me? Am I adding to an already solid foundation or attempting to reconstruct my self-esteem? Am I doing this because I’m bored? Because I want to appear more attractive? Does obsessively wanting to vinegar wash your floors make anyone *appear* more attractive? Is there something that I’m putting off acknowledging, and I’m scheduling every free minute of my time as a method of denial? Will I suddenly crack and COMPLETELY lose it? I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve been on the fringe for the past year. I might be coming out of it or I might be about to fall down a rabbit hole.
I should probably think about this. Hmm, maybe I’ll schedule a time.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Payback...
Ordering at Brunch...
Ana: And I'd like the Garden Salad, no cheese, with the vinaigrette dressing on the side.
Wine-Time-Girl: This is going to be awesome.
Ana: What do you mean?
WTG: Your quitting smoking. For the last three years I've ordered salads with no dressing while I watched you eat a cheeseburger with fries.
Ana: And I'd like the Garden Salad, no cheese, with the vinaigrette dressing on the side.
Wine-Time-Girl: This is going to be awesome.
Ana: What do you mean?
WTG: Your quitting smoking. For the last three years I've ordered salads with no dressing while I watched you eat a cheeseburger with fries.
Friday, April 17, 2009
But surely it must go somewhere?!?
How graphic can I get in regards to smoking (or lack thereof) and my digestive system?
Ok, if you’re still reading, I’ll assume that you don’t take issue. The above sentence was a sort of warning…not that it’s really anything graphic.
So Saturday as my friend drove us to the gym for my first attempt at the embarrassment that is “personal training” I was madly gulping down hot tea. Our appointment had been made somewhat on the fly, and as such, I was the teensiest bit hungover from the night before and horribly dehydrated.
“Why are you drinking tea when it’s a diuretic?” my friend asked.
When I thought about it, it made sense that yes, tea would be a diuretic. And yet I had never considered it before. Here’s why that was so disturbing. I drink three different things: red wine, coffee, and tea. (Quantities are in descending order.) Tea is my hydration drink.
Seriously.
I never drink water. Maybe a Pelligrino occasionally, but nothing else. Sometimes orange juice when it’s mixed with champagne. And sometimes tomato juice when it’s mixed with vodka and other times lime juice when it’s mixed with tequila, but that's it.
Flash forward to Tuesday morning. I did not even think about what I wanted to wear to work. I went straight for the largest pair of pants that I owned. I’ve gained about seven pounds in the past month and it feels awful, but thank goodness for fat pants, right? I mean, sometimes these pants were so big that I thought they would fall off me.
Except on Tuesday they were tight, like really tight. Now I know that I’ve gained weight, but seven pounds even on a small person doesn’t seem like it should be that substantial. Problem was, it was all going to my thighs…and my stomach.
My tummy is my temporary food storage spot and these days it’s bigger than ever. And not big as in rolls of fat, but hard and distended like an over-inflated beach ball. As I attempted to button my pants, I poked my finger into my stomach and felt the resistance.
And then I realized something.
I could not for the life of me remember the last time that I’d gone to the bathroom. (We’re talking #2 here.)
Have I ever mentioned that one of my favorite things about cigarettes were the fact that they kept me “regular”? No? Well, that was one of the main selling points for me. I mean, if not for cigarettes and scotch I would be the most irritated and agitated person on the planet. It’s why I was so unlikable as a child.
This sucked. As we know, I don’t do well with fiber and raw vegetables or whole grains. They cause me great, great pain. Or…I thought about it a little bit. Maybe it’s just really hard to pass anything, especially grains and vegetables when YOU NEVER DRINK ANY WATER!
For the last three days, I’ve had a glass of water within reach at all times. Forget gum, forget everything else. Drinking water is my new obsession.
And guess what? I’ve gone FIVE TIMES! That is more in a 72-hour time period than I have ever gone in my life excepting when my stomach was violently upset. Usually I am lucky to go once a day. And guess what else? I'm eating baby carrots and celery sticks and chopped onions without agony!
I haven’t lost the weight and my clothes aren’t fitting yet, but I've got to be honest with you. I’m feeling a lot better these days.
Water, who knew? Well, probably everyone on the planet except me, but...good to know.
Ok, if you’re still reading, I’ll assume that you don’t take issue. The above sentence was a sort of warning…not that it’s really anything graphic.
So Saturday as my friend drove us to the gym for my first attempt at the embarrassment that is “personal training” I was madly gulping down hot tea. Our appointment had been made somewhat on the fly, and as such, I was the teensiest bit hungover from the night before and horribly dehydrated.
“Why are you drinking tea when it’s a diuretic?” my friend asked.
When I thought about it, it made sense that yes, tea would be a diuretic. And yet I had never considered it before. Here’s why that was so disturbing. I drink three different things: red wine, coffee, and tea. (Quantities are in descending order.) Tea is my hydration drink.
Seriously.
I never drink water. Maybe a Pelligrino occasionally, but nothing else. Sometimes orange juice when it’s mixed with champagne. And sometimes tomato juice when it’s mixed with vodka and other times lime juice when it’s mixed with tequila, but that's it.
Flash forward to Tuesday morning. I did not even think about what I wanted to wear to work. I went straight for the largest pair of pants that I owned. I’ve gained about seven pounds in the past month and it feels awful, but thank goodness for fat pants, right? I mean, sometimes these pants were so big that I thought they would fall off me.
Except on Tuesday they were tight, like really tight. Now I know that I’ve gained weight, but seven pounds even on a small person doesn’t seem like it should be that substantial. Problem was, it was all going to my thighs…and my stomach.
My tummy is my temporary food storage spot and these days it’s bigger than ever. And not big as in rolls of fat, but hard and distended like an over-inflated beach ball. As I attempted to button my pants, I poked my finger into my stomach and felt the resistance.
And then I realized something.
I could not for the life of me remember the last time that I’d gone to the bathroom. (We’re talking #2 here.)
Have I ever mentioned that one of my favorite things about cigarettes were the fact that they kept me “regular”? No? Well, that was one of the main selling points for me. I mean, if not for cigarettes and scotch I would be the most irritated and agitated person on the planet. It’s why I was so unlikable as a child.
This sucked. As we know, I don’t do well with fiber and raw vegetables or whole grains. They cause me great, great pain. Or…I thought about it a little bit. Maybe it’s just really hard to pass anything, especially grains and vegetables when YOU NEVER DRINK ANY WATER!
For the last three days, I’ve had a glass of water within reach at all times. Forget gum, forget everything else. Drinking water is my new obsession.
And guess what? I’ve gone FIVE TIMES! That is more in a 72-hour time period than I have ever gone in my life excepting when my stomach was violently upset. Usually I am lucky to go once a day. And guess what else? I'm eating baby carrots and celery sticks and chopped onions without agony!
I haven’t lost the weight and my clothes aren’t fitting yet, but I've got to be honest with you. I’m feeling a lot better these days.
Water, who knew? Well, probably everyone on the planet except me, but...good to know.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Best Weekend Evah...
Ok, maybe not ever, but best weekend in a really long time. Here’s why:
• Was a little peeved because I had a mandatory CLE class that started at 8 am on Friday. Yes, my first holiday at work and 4.5 hours of it was going to CLE!
• Dentist appt Thursday afternoon – After four years without a polish/cleaning, my teeth are now stain-free. YAY FOR CLEAN TEETH! ROCK ON!
• (Did I mention that in my early-quit spending spree I bought a new Sonicare that I love? The last one was ten years old!)
• Realized at 3 pm that I hadn’t eaten anything all day – i.e. my whole “blood sugar level” anxiety is completely psychosomatic and I can return to my normal eating habits (2 snacks during the day + decent-sized meal at night). YEE-HAW!
• Met a friend for a nice dinner.
• It was a beautiful day so we sat outside.
• Turns out my friend was debating the same two entrees as me so we got to share. AWESOME.
• Same exact thing happened with dessert. NO WAY!
• Found out from friend that the CLE date had been changed. Not only did I not lose 4.5 hours out of my Friday, but now I would get to sleep in as well. GROOVY!
• Got into my car and realized that four hours had mysteriously flown by because my friend and I were having such a good time chatting at dinner.
• During my whole ‘quit’ phase I’ve been a little crazy with the shopping in order to avoid smoking and stay busy. (I was too fidgety to sit still and read like normal.)
• Thankfully, I’ve used very few of my purchases and returned $530 worth of STUFF.
• Two-hundred-dollars worth were actually two dresses I bought back in January on a whim. Hadn’t worn them, but was worried about returning them because my debit card was reissued about a month ago due to a potential card number theft. Ergo, I couldn’t return the merchandise back onto the card listed on the receipt. Thought I would get stuck with a store credit at a place where I never shopped.
• The sales associate double-checked the date (because of a 90-day return policy) on the receipt, but didn’t check the card number and took my new debit card without batting an eye. Two hundred bucks back that I thought were lost! CHING-CHING!
• Met PT-Law Mom for lunch and margaritas. Beautiful day. Sat outside.
• Had three margaritas. Sent silly text messages to Mystery Man. He responded by asking if I had Sunday brunch plans. SWEET.
• After lunch, PTLM and I went for pedicures. CUTE PINK TOES!
• Had just enough time to let my toes dry before meeting a different group of friends for dinner AND margaritas. TEX-MEX FOR TWO MEALS IN A ROW = PRETTY AMAZING.
• Personal trainer was *awesome* and training with the friend was actually fun. We're going to go together once a week. YIPPEE FOR GETTING IN SHAPE!
• During our work-out, the trainer kept teasing my friend because she is going home to visit her parents for a week.
• Her parents own a Chinese restaurant.
• He kept mentioning how she was going to be tempted with Lemon Chicken and Fried Rice and Etc.
• Friend and I walked outside of gym after training, turned to each other and simultaneously said, “Do you want to go grab some fried rice?” THE POWER OF SUGGESTION IS FABULOUS.
• We ended up going for Vietnamese and getting vermicelli salads. Then we split a massive slice of carrot cake. MMMMM!
• Had a BBQ to go to on Saturday, but was a little tired and skipped out.
• Somewhere in there I did my laundry – as in the whole sheets, towels, clothes shebang and picked up my dry-cleaning.
• Had to blow-out and then iron my hair because weather was kind of disastrous. (This was not fun, but was about as bad as the weekend got besides finding out that Target wasn’t open on Easter.)
• Went to brunch with Mystery Man.
• It was pouring down rain so I got to wear my new raincoat. SWELL!
• Kinda wish I’d put my heels in my purse and worn my new wellies also because the weather really was awful! MM and I got doused in the windy downpour despite clinging to a little umbrella.
• One word: BUFFET! I ate it all and didn’t feel bad.
• Sadly – who the heck has a Sunday Easter brunch buffet that doesn’t include BACON?!?!?
• Yes, despite my discussion of easter brunches and bacon, I am still Jewish…I think. L’CHAIM!
• Oh yeah, did I mention bottomless mimosas? And bellinis? And bloody mary’s? And champagne? Converted Jew? Yes. Cultural Episcopalian? It’s my heritage for crying out loud!
• Pleasant conversation with Mystery Man. Found out that he thought a mutual friend was being a little hard on me over a certain situation and so he said something to them on my behalf. I’m not sure if I should be offended or find that seriously adorable. AWWW!
• MM dropped me off at my house and we discussed getting together again. He said we could get together for brunch again next week, but when I paused on my response, he said maybe we should just check-in during the week. I said, ok, but it wasn’t THAT BIG OF A PAUSE. Hmpf. (I was thinking that I usually do brunch with Wine-Time-Girl and that the only reason I hadn’t on that particular weekend was because she was out of town.)
• I walk inside my house and realize that I am not sure if MM and I met for brunch as friends or on a date. HILARIOUS.
• I wouldn’t say I’m dating him, but I wouldn’t say I’m NOT dating him. So I guess I’m not not-dating him. We’ve been not not-dating for two months with one real date, two one-on-one not not-dates, one group not not-date, plus a collection of phone calls and text messages.
• ????? I know.
• Okay fine, we’re NOT dating. It was still fun to have a brunch date.
• Spent the rest of Sunday running errands and marking off items on my to-do list. (Have I mentioned that I don’t have a dishwasher?)
• Ended the weekend with nearly everything wiped off my to-do list (except for taking “The Pile” to Goodwill). Sat down with a glass of wine for 90 minutes of Little Dorrit (Part Three) on Masterpiece Theater. LOVE THIS SERIES!
Oh, and today I got a library card!
Yeah, I’ve actually been *happy* for the last few days…so of course I had to tell you after all the whining related to quitting the past few weeks.
THURSDAY
• Three day weekend – meaning that my weekend started on Thursday!• Was a little peeved because I had a mandatory CLE class that started at 8 am on Friday. Yes, my first holiday at work and 4.5 hours of it was going to CLE!
• Dentist appt Thursday afternoon – After four years without a polish/cleaning, my teeth are now stain-free. YAY FOR CLEAN TEETH! ROCK ON!
• (Did I mention that in my early-quit spending spree I bought a new Sonicare that I love? The last one was ten years old!)
• Realized at 3 pm that I hadn’t eaten anything all day – i.e. my whole “blood sugar level” anxiety is completely psychosomatic and I can return to my normal eating habits (2 snacks during the day + decent-sized meal at night). YEE-HAW!
• Met a friend for a nice dinner.
• It was a beautiful day so we sat outside.
• Turns out my friend was debating the same two entrees as me so we got to share. AWESOME.
• Same exact thing happened with dessert. NO WAY!
• Found out from friend that the CLE date had been changed. Not only did I not lose 4.5 hours out of my Friday, but now I would get to sleep in as well. GROOVY!
• Got into my car and realized that four hours had mysteriously flown by because my friend and I were having such a good time chatting at dinner.
FRIDAY
• Got up around 10 am and decided to run errands.• During my whole ‘quit’ phase I’ve been a little crazy with the shopping in order to avoid smoking and stay busy. (I was too fidgety to sit still and read like normal.)
• Thankfully, I’ve used very few of my purchases and returned $530 worth of STUFF.
• Two-hundred-dollars worth were actually two dresses I bought back in January on a whim. Hadn’t worn them, but was worried about returning them because my debit card was reissued about a month ago due to a potential card number theft. Ergo, I couldn’t return the merchandise back onto the card listed on the receipt. Thought I would get stuck with a store credit at a place where I never shopped.
• The sales associate double-checked the date (because of a 90-day return policy) on the receipt, but didn’t check the card number and took my new debit card without batting an eye. Two hundred bucks back that I thought were lost! CHING-CHING!
• Met PT-Law Mom for lunch and margaritas. Beautiful day. Sat outside.
• Had three margaritas. Sent silly text messages to Mystery Man. He responded by asking if I had Sunday brunch plans. SWEET.
• After lunch, PTLM and I went for pedicures. CUTE PINK TOES!
• Had just enough time to let my toes dry before meeting a different group of friends for dinner AND margaritas. TEX-MEX FOR TWO MEALS IN A ROW = PRETTY AMAZING.
SATURDAY
• Friend called mid-day to see if I wanted to go with her to visit her personal trainer since I’ve been feeling fatty.• Personal trainer was *awesome* and training with the friend was actually fun. We're going to go together once a week. YIPPEE FOR GETTING IN SHAPE!
• During our work-out, the trainer kept teasing my friend because she is going home to visit her parents for a week.
• Her parents own a Chinese restaurant.
• He kept mentioning how she was going to be tempted with Lemon Chicken and Fried Rice and Etc.
• Friend and I walked outside of gym after training, turned to each other and simultaneously said, “Do you want to go grab some fried rice?” THE POWER OF SUGGESTION IS FABULOUS.
• We ended up going for Vietnamese and getting vermicelli salads. Then we split a massive slice of carrot cake. MMMMM!
• Had a BBQ to go to on Saturday, but was a little tired and skipped out.
• Somewhere in there I did my laundry – as in the whole sheets, towels, clothes shebang and picked up my dry-cleaning.
SUNDAY
• Woke up and walked dog. In fact, doggie got two long walks EACH day of the three-day weekend. WHOO-HOO FOR BEING A GOOD OWNER AND GETTING SOME EXERCISE!• Had to blow-out and then iron my hair because weather was kind of disastrous. (This was not fun, but was about as bad as the weekend got besides finding out that Target wasn’t open on Easter.)
• Went to brunch with Mystery Man.
• It was pouring down rain so I got to wear my new raincoat. SWELL!
• Kinda wish I’d put my heels in my purse and worn my new wellies also because the weather really was awful! MM and I got doused in the windy downpour despite clinging to a little umbrella.
• One word: BUFFET! I ate it all and didn’t feel bad.
• Sadly – who the heck has a Sunday Easter brunch buffet that doesn’t include BACON?!?!?
• Yes, despite my discussion of easter brunches and bacon, I am still Jewish…I think. L’CHAIM!
• Oh yeah, did I mention bottomless mimosas? And bellinis? And bloody mary’s? And champagne? Converted Jew? Yes. Cultural Episcopalian? It’s my heritage for crying out loud!
• Pleasant conversation with Mystery Man. Found out that he thought a mutual friend was being a little hard on me over a certain situation and so he said something to them on my behalf. I’m not sure if I should be offended or find that seriously adorable. AWWW!
• MM dropped me off at my house and we discussed getting together again. He said we could get together for brunch again next week, but when I paused on my response, he said maybe we should just check-in during the week. I said, ok, but it wasn’t THAT BIG OF A PAUSE. Hmpf. (I was thinking that I usually do brunch with Wine-Time-Girl and that the only reason I hadn’t on that particular weekend was because she was out of town.)
• I walk inside my house and realize that I am not sure if MM and I met for brunch as friends or on a date. HILARIOUS.
• I wouldn’t say I’m dating him, but I wouldn’t say I’m NOT dating him. So I guess I’m not not-dating him. We’ve been not not-dating for two months with one real date, two one-on-one not not-dates, one group not not-date, plus a collection of phone calls and text messages.
• ????? I know.
• Okay fine, we’re NOT dating. It was still fun to have a brunch date.
• Spent the rest of Sunday running errands and marking off items on my to-do list. (Have I mentioned that I don’t have a dishwasher?)
• Ended the weekend with nearly everything wiped off my to-do list (except for taking “The Pile” to Goodwill). Sat down with a glass of wine for 90 minutes of Little Dorrit (Part Three) on Masterpiece Theater. LOVE THIS SERIES!
Oh, and today I got a library card!
Yeah, I’ve actually been *happy* for the last few days…so of course I had to tell you after all the whining related to quitting the past few weeks.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Fat and Unhappy?
Chicken magazine (aka Magic Cookie) in the comments section inquired as to how I was doing.
I’m not sure?
Hmm, yes. I’m uncertain as to whether or not I’m uncertain as to how I’m doing. This sounds good, no?
On the no smoking front, I will say this. I am committed to doing it. This ‘quit’ has been different in that I really firmly do not want to think of myself as a ‘smoker’ any longer. In the past I preferred to be a ‘smoker’ who just didn’t smoke or who was on hiatus, but now I don’t want any kind of patterned, consistent, or regular activity of smoking or being a smoker in my life.
I think this is a good thing. It *feels* different.
That being said, there is a lot of crap to plow through in this whole endeavor and in some ways I feel like I am starting certain portions of my life all over again.
For example, I smoked when I was bored. I’m adjusting to this, especially since I’ve been feeling very tired since I quit. It’s such a drag – feeling like I have extra free time, but not wanting to move. I know the energy will come back eventually, but right now my life seems so dull.
As for dull, well, part of that’s been purposefully imposed. I don’t want a lot of drama in my life right now because trying to not smoke everyday is enough. I don’t want something to set me off emotionally and send me running for my ciggies.
Speaking of that though, the emotional aspect is one of the hardest for quitting. I used to smoke when I got upset, and now I’m working on finding some other kind of outlet for that. In the meantime, I am breaking into tears at random moments, being overly clingy with my friends (big slurpy air-kisses to Wine-Time-Girl and Fairy-God-Brother), and occasionally sending text messages to my ex to tell him that I miss him. (Thank *god* he is not texting back. As it turns out, getting plastered and making out with Mystery Man in front of the Ex was actually a *good* thing.)
And being bored and upset? I think I now understand the term ‘emotional eating.’ This doesn’t help insofar as now that nicotine is no longer regulating my blood sugar level I feel like I have to stop and eat all the time. Yes, I am gaining weight. No, I will not take a picture of my butt so that you can see just how bad it is. Yes, part of it is definitely water weight. No, I do not think the answer is to start exercising more. (No! Do not even suggest it in the comments!)
But let’s add all of this up…
I’m sitting at home feeling lonely and eating (massive amounts of proteins, fruits, and whole grains because god forbid I put something non-nutritious in my mouth) while my emotions see-saw back and forth and my ass widens. No wonder people fall off the wagon! I quit because I wanted to take greater control of my life and because I did, I feel like I have *NO* control over anything.
As I said though, the good news is, I want to quit. I don’t want to be a smoker again. And I tell this to myself when my pants won’t zip or I’m lying on the floor in a ball snotting over myself. I tell myself that this will all work itself out in a few months and everything will stabilize: my weight, my emotions, my hunger, my energy levels, my ability to go and be social without massively craving a cigarette.
The end result will make it all worthwhile.
Right now however, it totally sucks.
(And if I get around to it this week, I’ll post about how for the first two weeks I turned into a shopaholic in order to stay busy as well as my whole foray into calorie-counting, carb-counting, and glycemic indices which caused me to eat about 30 carbs a day in zealousness until this weekend…when I ate nearly a pound of skittles in one day and nothing else. I need to remember that ‘everything in moderation’ is the phrase that’s always worked best for me…and striving for perfection is my own personal sin.)
She pops a Junior Mint into her mouth and smiles.
I’m not sure?
Hmm, yes. I’m uncertain as to whether or not I’m uncertain as to how I’m doing. This sounds good, no?
On the no smoking front, I will say this. I am committed to doing it. This ‘quit’ has been different in that I really firmly do not want to think of myself as a ‘smoker’ any longer. In the past I preferred to be a ‘smoker’ who just didn’t smoke or who was on hiatus, but now I don’t want any kind of patterned, consistent, or regular activity of smoking or being a smoker in my life.
I think this is a good thing. It *feels* different.
That being said, there is a lot of crap to plow through in this whole endeavor and in some ways I feel like I am starting certain portions of my life all over again.
For example, I smoked when I was bored. I’m adjusting to this, especially since I’ve been feeling very tired since I quit. It’s such a drag – feeling like I have extra free time, but not wanting to move. I know the energy will come back eventually, but right now my life seems so dull.
As for dull, well, part of that’s been purposefully imposed. I don’t want a lot of drama in my life right now because trying to not smoke everyday is enough. I don’t want something to set me off emotionally and send me running for my ciggies.
Speaking of that though, the emotional aspect is one of the hardest for quitting. I used to smoke when I got upset, and now I’m working on finding some other kind of outlet for that. In the meantime, I am breaking into tears at random moments, being overly clingy with my friends (big slurpy air-kisses to Wine-Time-Girl and Fairy-God-Brother), and occasionally sending text messages to my ex to tell him that I miss him. (Thank *god* he is not texting back. As it turns out, getting plastered and making out with Mystery Man in front of the Ex was actually a *good* thing.)
And being bored and upset? I think I now understand the term ‘emotional eating.’ This doesn’t help insofar as now that nicotine is no longer regulating my blood sugar level I feel like I have to stop and eat all the time. Yes, I am gaining weight. No, I will not take a picture of my butt so that you can see just how bad it is. Yes, part of it is definitely water weight. No, I do not think the answer is to start exercising more. (No! Do not even suggest it in the comments!)
But let’s add all of this up…
I’m sitting at home feeling lonely and eating (massive amounts of proteins, fruits, and whole grains because god forbid I put something non-nutritious in my mouth) while my emotions see-saw back and forth and my ass widens. No wonder people fall off the wagon! I quit because I wanted to take greater control of my life and because I did, I feel like I have *NO* control over anything.
As I said though, the good news is, I want to quit. I don’t want to be a smoker again. And I tell this to myself when my pants won’t zip or I’m lying on the floor in a ball snotting over myself. I tell myself that this will all work itself out in a few months and everything will stabilize: my weight, my emotions, my hunger, my energy levels, my ability to go and be social without massively craving a cigarette.
The end result will make it all worthwhile.
Right now however, it totally sucks.
(And if I get around to it this week, I’ll post about how for the first two weeks I turned into a shopaholic in order to stay busy as well as my whole foray into calorie-counting, carb-counting, and glycemic indices which caused me to eat about 30 carbs a day in zealousness until this weekend…when I ate nearly a pound of skittles in one day and nothing else. I need to remember that ‘everything in moderation’ is the phrase that’s always worked best for me…and striving for perfection is my own personal sin.)
She pops a Junior Mint into her mouth and smiles.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)