Who can tell?

I woke up at 5 am on Saturday and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I ended up cleaning. The house is really starting to look fabulous. I mean, there’s the basic stuff you do to maintain cleanliness and then there’s the great above and beyond.

Last night Wine-Time-Girl called me to see if I wanted to meet for dinner/drinks and I nearly had a coronary because I’d planned to vinegar-wash my wood floors that evening. A few days ago we were at the bookstore and as WTG took her books to the counter I was like, “Oh wait!” and pulled a coupon out of my purse and handed it to her.

I’m going through one of those phases. There’s a big long list of things that need to be done and it’s all the irregular things you don’t usually get around to. For example, my front doormat was dead. It had been dead for a solid year, but in the last few weeks a replacement became utterly necessary. So what did I do? I researched doormats online. No really, I did. And then I went to BB&Beyond, found the one I wanted, and used a coupon. It’s an extremely practical doormat, the kind with the bristles that clean the grooves in your shoes. I bought it because my running shoes often get filled with little pieces of wet grass while I walk the dog. Once the grass dries it all falls off onto the carpet of my bedroom closet driving me completely insane.

But, no more! Now the problem is solved. Now when I wipe my feet on the door mat, the grass actually comes off of my shoes and there’s no more dirt or junk on the floor of the closet. I wonder if little things like this are the kind of things I’m getting around to now that I’m feeling settled or are instead the result of not having a life…except that I am not without a life, at least according to the large desk calendar that hangs on the wall to my left.

Tuesday – Dinner/drinks with girl friend from college
Wednesday – Personal Trainer
Thursday – Drinks with guy friend from law school
Saturday Morning – Yoga with married friend
Saturday Afternoon – lotsa errands
Saturday evening – Birthday party for Other-University friend

Friday is tentatively open. I like watching Ghost Whisperer and haven’t seen it in forever. There’s also a book I need to read for book club, so I might use the time for that. OR, if I’ve got some nervous energy, the tub and the toilet completely need to be scrubbed. Or I could clean the floor mats for the car. Or, or, or.

Yesterday I completed all of the hand-washing that’s been building up. Nothing in my house needs to be ironed. Today I looked up how to clean the upholstery on my couch given that my dog apparently liked to sit on it while I was outside smoking. (The dog is loving this phase. She’s getting two walks and a brushing every day.)

Part of this is keeping myself busy while I don’t smoke. And keeping myself busy so that I don’t eat while I don’t smoke. But all of it seems to be representative of something greater and I haven’t *quite* figured out what it is yet.

The no smoking, massive cleaning, extra-exercise – am I trying to make myself perfect in some way? Is the attempt to better myself just for me? Am I adding to an already solid foundation or attempting to reconstruct my self-esteem? Am I doing this because I’m bored? Because I want to appear more attractive? Does obsessively wanting to vinegar wash your floors make anyone *appear* more attractive? Is there something that I’m putting off acknowledging, and I’m scheduling every free minute of my time as a method of denial? Will I suddenly crack and COMPLETELY lose it? I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve been on the fringe for the past year. I might be coming out of it or I might be about to fall down a rabbit hole.

I should probably think about this. Hmm, maybe I’ll schedule a time.