Chicken magazine (aka Magic Cookie) in the comments section inquired as to how I was doing.
I’m not sure?
Hmm, yes. I’m uncertain as to whether or not I’m uncertain as to how I’m doing. This sounds good, no?
On the no smoking front, I will say this. I am committed to doing it. This ‘quit’ has been different in that I really firmly do not want to think of myself as a ‘smoker’ any longer. In the past I preferred to be a ‘smoker’ who just didn’t smoke or who was on hiatus, but now I don’t want any kind of patterned, consistent, or regular activity of smoking or being a smoker in my life.
I think this is a good thing. It *feels* different.
That being said, there is a lot of crap to plow through in this whole endeavor and in some ways I feel like I am starting certain portions of my life all over again.
For example, I smoked when I was bored. I’m adjusting to this, especially since I’ve been feeling very tired since I quit. It’s such a drag – feeling like I have extra free time, but not wanting to move. I know the energy will come back eventually, but right now my life seems so dull.
As for dull, well, part of that’s been purposefully imposed. I don’t want a lot of drama in my life right now because trying to not smoke everyday is enough. I don’t want something to set me off emotionally and send me running for my ciggies.
Speaking of that though, the emotional aspect is one of the hardest for quitting. I used to smoke when I got upset, and now I’m working on finding some other kind of outlet for that. In the meantime, I am breaking into tears at random moments, being overly clingy with my friends (big slurpy air-kisses to Wine-Time-Girl and Fairy-God-Brother), and occasionally sending text messages to my ex to tell him that I miss him. (Thank *god* he is not texting back. As it turns out, getting plastered and making out with Mystery Man in front of the Ex was actually a *good* thing.)
And being bored and upset? I think I now understand the term ‘emotional eating.’ This doesn’t help insofar as now that nicotine is no longer regulating my blood sugar level I feel like I have to stop and eat all the time. Yes, I am gaining weight. No, I will not take a picture of my butt so that you can see just how bad it is. Yes, part of it is definitely water weight. No, I do not think the answer is to start exercising more. (No! Do not even suggest it in the comments!)
But let’s add all of this up…
I’m sitting at home feeling lonely and eating (massive amounts of proteins, fruits, and whole grains because god forbid I put something non-nutritious in my mouth) while my emotions see-saw back and forth and my ass widens. No wonder people fall off the wagon! I quit because I wanted to take greater control of my life and because I did, I feel like I have *NO* control over anything.
As I said though, the good news is, I want to quit. I don’t want to be a smoker again. And I tell this to myself when my pants won’t zip or I’m lying on the floor in a ball snotting over myself. I tell myself that this will all work itself out in a few months and everything will stabilize: my weight, my emotions, my hunger, my energy levels, my ability to go and be social without massively craving a cigarette.
The end result will make it all worthwhile.
Right now however, it totally sucks.
(And if I get around to it this week, I’ll post about how for the first two weeks I turned into a shopaholic in order to stay busy as well as my whole foray into calorie-counting, carb-counting, and glycemic indices which caused me to eat about 30 carbs a day in zealousness until this weekend…when I ate nearly a pound of skittles in one day and nothing else. I need to remember that ‘everything in moderation’ is the phrase that’s always worked best for me…and striving for perfection is my own personal sin.)
She pops a Junior Mint into her mouth and smiles.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
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8 comments:
hang tough girl - I hope it gets better for you.
Gum? Works for me. And gives me minty fresh breath! You can barely detect the odor of discontent and irritation wrapped up in a peppermint haze.
Wow. I admire you for just deciding to do this on your own and going through with it.
I had the same feeling. I know a lot of people would say that they smoke when they're upset or stressed out, which was true for me, but I also really enjoyed smoking when I had nothing else to do. One of the reasons I started, in fact, was when I waited tables. My cigarette break was my time. You can't do anything else and smoke at the same time.
In any event, good work and good luck!
I also really didn't feel like I had the "triggers" that I would hear about. I didn't suddenly crave a cigarette when I had coffee (though the two often went together, which kept me regular, ahem). Fact was, I wanted a cigarette when I wanted a frickin cigarette. Case closed. No mystery about it.
One suggestion for you, which helped me, was to start exercising more. Especially running outside, now that the weather is nicer. It helps with cravings, the weight, it helps you detox, and for about an hour or two after a good run was about the only time a cigarette didn't sound good to me when I was trying to quit.
Good luck! I'm trying to lose weight and I don't even have the "quitting smoking" excuse to fall back on.
It sounds like you're moving in the right direction, though - especially mentally. Keep it up!
I had a very good friend who was a heroin addict and a smoker. He said that it was much harder to give up smoking cigarettes than it was to kick heroin
Hi friend. Don't try to give up too much stuff at once - ie. going crazy with new eating habits AND quiting smoking? Small steps for life changes. Maybe when you are bored, you should take a walk. Refer to default attorneys comment. Feel like typing in fragments. Fact. L.
You should really try wellbutrin - it's amazing! I never thought I could quit smoking. After one week on wellbutrin I lost all cravings. It will also help with the food cravings and any other obsessive behavior. Go to your doctor - it really was a godsend for me.
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