Wander-wander...

I have no focus lately so sitting down and writing a blog post feels like torture. …as does reading a book or trying to do legal work. Eating is the most enjoyable thing I can do right now, followed by surfing the net. (Still can't stand TV though.) This weekend I bought a ton of candy and ice cream…odd in that I don’t usually go for that. It turns out it's because my blood sugar levels have dropped…hmmm.

Ok, it took me ten minutes to write that. See, I can’t do anything. Maybe I should start drinking heavily again. Where was I?

Smoking, I think. Cigarettes or something. So yeah, the other post was how I started. I didn’t pick it up the next day or anything, but I was a regular smoker within a month or so. (Egad, writing about this makes me want to smoke. It’s SO crazy.) But yeah, smoking was a source of social interaction for the girl with no social skills. The drinking helped too. Plus, I’m sure that in a way I liked the image it gave me…or the fact that it was a shocking image. At nineteen I looked like I could be a character from Little House on the Prairie and I was about as naïve as one. People told me that they found it so disturbing to see me with a cigarette in hand. I loved it. I think this also contributes to my constant cursing around the same time (which has also continued into later years). I just always came across as so sweet and innocent…and about ten years younger. No one wants to look young from age 11 to about 30.

Now when people card me I’m thrilled, but when you spend the bulk of your twenties unable to date because the only people interested in your have a penchant for pedophilia looking young is not so fabulous. Smoking deepened my voice and made it a little raspy. I had this high-pitched mouse-like voice. The other day I was talking to someone about this girl we knew and how I thought she had the sexiest voice because it was so low and deep. And then whoever it was turned to me and said I had the exact same kind of voice. It made me so happy.

Wow, it’s been nearly an hour. Maybe this is the way to get to me to write shorter blog posts, huh? More to follow later, I guess. I just can’t do it anymore. And yeah, if you haven’t figured out, I’ve stopped smoking for right now…not sure that I’ve quit, but I’ve stopped. This time around, I stopped for reasons not like any reason that’s caused me to quit before…which is what I will write about one day if I can ever get to that point. In the meantime, I’m slightly miserable, but miserable in different ways than usual. And now that I’ve figured out that my whole crazy sugar splurge is a blood sugar thing, I’m tempted to go throw out my ice cream and butterscotch topping insofar as neither of those items will help stabilize my levels.

Sigh.

I'm so horribly bored, but I don't have the concentration to do anything.