I’m rough, and I’m tough, and I’m…pathetic? Apparently so. (Yes, I know I use apparently a lot, but I like it.)
For the last several weeks, I’ve been a moving train wreck. It’s been so bad that I can’t even blog about it. Can’t even blog about it when I blog about everything? Oh yes. I am weak. Stupid. And then tonight while I was on the phone with PT-Law Mom she asked if my Dad’s concerns about my drinking were legitimate or unfounded.
Eeek! I go through phases with my drinking, always have. Sometimes I drink a lot, sometimes I don’t, but the past six months (oh wait, whenever March was, oh that’s a year ago) have been really awful. I mean, awful. I feel like I’m on pins and needles and always so stressed out.
But apparently, (there’s that word again) I’m doing awesome at my job and everyone is talking about how amazing I am. So I should be happy, right? I should be sitting here like a little in-house counsel, pie-in-the-sky, egomaniacal, back-patting, smug little I don’t know what.
I do love my job, and I am good at it. At the same time, I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I could be better, could really be doing something meaningful in some way.
But, I’m not. I’m coasting. And everyone tells me I’m great. And I feel shameful.
Funny how that works.
My personal life sucks though. I actually just went online to look up old phone bills so that I could find my Ex’s phone number. Five texts later, he’s still mum.
Gee, I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that I apparently (oh yes) made out with a guy he went to college with IN FRONT OF HIM at a party a few weeks ago?
Huh? I know! I did. Bad form to say the least. I mean, even if it is over, THAT WAS TACKY.
(Although, if it makes it any better, I *do* like the guy I sucked face with...even if he is ambivalent about me.)
You know what’s tackier? I texted the ex because I’m sitting here all upset about various things and my thought was, “Don’t text someone who counts. Just text the Ex. If he responds, great. If he doesn’t, who gives a care? At least you’re not making a jerk of yourself in front of someone who matters.”
Classy. I am so classy. And considerate. And I would feel worse except for the fact that, well, after being kicked around by the Ex for the last couple months, should I really feel bad about anything I might do to him?
I mean, I’m more concerned about the fact that I even bothered to contact him.
Still, I was a little shocked that he didn’t reply.
Perhaps I am a raging narcissist?
Narcissism does run in my family.
Along with alcoholism.
And lung cancer.
Destiny is a great thing, isn’t it?
Except I don’t believe in destiny which kind of makes it harder to bear.
Knowing that I choose to be this person? Shudder.
And the people who only kinda-sorta know me think I’m fabulous.
And the people who really know me want nothing to do with me (excepting WTG and FGB).
And I can’t blame them.
I can only just look at them and rationalize that they are somehow worse than me.
Which makes me feel a little better…but only just for a second.
Sorry. Apparently (!) it’s self-pity night at the Smith home.
Woe. is. Me.
Cue the violins.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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11 comments:
People who kinda sorta know me think I'm fabulous too. I get my whining out on the blog, and even there I am reticent. I spend a lot of time feeling like a fraud.
Oh, man, the "everyone thinks I'm swell but I feel like I'm coasting and a total failure" refrain rings SO TRUE for me. Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get caught up in self-loathing?
Hang in there.
It was self-pity night at my house last night, too. I feel you, and hope this morning is brighter (despite that it may be raining there, as it is here.)
I'm sorry....that's all.
Sometimes I wonder whether narcissism runs in all of our families...it probably does, so don't feel bad.
Okay, you and I don't know eachother AT ALL, but I'm going to send this message and you can decide to let it post to your blog, or not. And even if you post it, you can ultimately decide to take the substance of it into consideration, or not.
But I'm writing it because it sounds like you might need some straight talking.
You are going through some tough stuff. Some days you feel better than others, but overall, whatever is troubling you is always there, at least in the background. We all live on an emotional rollercoaster to varying degrees, but when the highs are too high and the lows are too low, its time to confront the things behind the vicissitudes head on. By this I mean make good use of your health insurance and start talking to someone.
I was always a person who felt that it was fine for other people to go to a counselor, but not me. Finally, I hit a really rough patch in my life where my own self-destructive tendencies were winning out, and I bit the bullet and did it. It took me a while to get comfortable with it, but with time I did, and I began to look forward to my weekly meeting with my counselor. I went for about 18 months, and it helped me to get a lot of stuff out of my system. It likely was good for my friendships too, because while my friends were 100% there for me, I felt soooo guilty about inevitably finding myself slipping into dominating our interactions with the tough time I was going through. Once I began going to counseling, and hell, was PAYING someone to sit and talk with me each week--someone who HAD to listen to me-- it was very freeing in its way. And I didn't need to lean so very much on my friends, they could start leaning on me again.
There's a chance that you might find the same.
Second, it takes a whole lot of courage and worry for people who love you to confront you about concerns about your drinking. This isn't something that people blurt out without thought. And by the time they finally work up to mentioning it to you, they've probably been concerned for some time. So, if your friends and family are bringing up, either directly or obliquely, the idea that there may be a problem, there is probably a problem developing. Again, confront it head on.
There are so many reasons why you should be happy with the direction that your life is heading right now. You have friends and family who love you. You have a great job with colleagues who you like. You can pay your bills. Confront these other issues so that you don't mess it up.
What Juliet said about your drinking is what I was trying, not so eloquently, to inquire about. I hope I didn't make you feel bad by raising it. :(
As for the coasting thing, I *always* feel that way. People always tell me I'm doing a great job and I always feel like a total fraud. I bet you really are doing a great job and just feel like a fraud because you are actually competent and the work is coming easy to you. Don't be so hard on yourself!
As for the guy stuff, lady, we have discussed it in detail. All I can offer are plenty of hugs and a shoulder when you need it. I obviously don't understand guys. Says the girl who is off to meet a guy in a bar about some sex... ;) But listening I can do!
P.S. You are soooo not *that* girl. I, my dear, am *that* girl!
I think everyone feels as thought they are a fraud of sorts. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, and you should know that people truly care when you least expect it :)
Hang in there!
Isn't that funny - when you get positively acknowledged when you know you're coasting, and then when you think you're working your butt off, everybody's breathing down your neck?
Not funny at all :(.
You are actually excellent. Not awful. I guess you had a lot of emotions to bring out and share.
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