Nice break...

I randomly turned on the tv tonight to take a break. It's been off for four days. I came across Boston Legal and it was awesome. (Plus, they sued the FDA so it was somewhat like studying for Genetics.) And then in the last few seconds the James Spader character described almost perfectly why I'm still single.

A good sign...

My first final is tomorrow. I have reached the point where I am sick of looking at the material. I'm taking this as a good sign insofar as if I didn't understand it, I'd be grossly freaking out and worrying of failure. Instead I'm tabbing and doing light review. Wish me luck!

Maturity...

Just a few years ago, when someone upset me, I would send nasty notes or emails in hopes of getting a rise, response, or other reaction that would result in an interaction, discussion, or solution of a problem.

Over the past few weeks, an acquaintance seemed to be exhibiting a growing hostility towards me, and last night, handed me the last straw. In anger, I sent a bitchy text message, and today every time the phone rings I jump…because I’m hoping it’s NOT the person, and I DON’T want to talk about it, and as far as I’m concerned my world will be better off if I never see their ugly little attitude again.

I figure I could beat myself up for responding to nasty behavior with more nasty behavior. Yet, I’m no longer lashing out in hurt with the people who are important in my life. Rather than engaging in alienating behavior as a means of conciliation, I’m doing so with the proper intent. This is progress. This is growth. Perhaps in a few years, I’ll be able to control my temper with even the jerks of the world.

I almost feel like a grown up.

(And yes, I'm being tongue-in-cheek - because in reality I hate being mean to anyone, jerk or not.)

That's great that love is in the air...now get out of my parking space...

I may have mentioned before that there’s a parking shortage at my school. Arrive at the wrong time, and you could end up circling like a vulture. Today I arrived in the middle of a class period, ie no one was leaving. Approximately ten other cars were involved in the race to find a space, hovering in wait. Not a single person appeared to be venturing from the campus, and the parking lot was bare of pedestrians except for two coeds making out on the side of the car across the way. I did a lap through the parking lot which took about three minutes.

As other cars made their way down the particular row, they’d speed up at the sight of the make-out duo, either in deference to privacy or embarrassment. Not Ana. I came along, spotted an opportunity, and put on my blinker, quietly smoking my cigarette in observation until the tongue-twining ended…which, after they saw me, was pretty quickly.

The End is Near...

These were my classes this semester:

Estate Planning – Spent the most time on this one – probably going to get the lowest grade. It’s the type of subject I’d kick butt at in practice, but don’t understand so well in a classroom setting. All the details of gift tax, estate tax, income tax, and the various credits just make my head go mushy. And silly me, I thought this class would be easy because I got an A in Wills & Trusts.

Genetics & the Law – I liked this class, but my professor was a little too in love with CLIA, the FDA, and Genetic Testing – ie we talked about this stuff way too much. The other problem is again, the grade. Most of the people who take health law classes are really INTO health law and have some type of background in it. I just find it interesting. Hrm.

International Criminal Law – I’ve spent zero time on this class, but think I’ll come out ok because I’ve understood it the whole way through…I think.

Advanced Legal Research – Added this class last minute because it fit into my schedule. Turns out I REALLY liked it…and I can actually apply what I’ve learned after I graduate. Yee-haw.

Law, Ethics, and the Brain – I audited a neuroscience class at the med school last semester and thought there might be some overlap. No such luck. This class has had its ups and downs for me. Great, interesting topic, but totally wanted to kill myself after each class. It’s all about traumatic brain injury, degenerative brain diseases, vegetative states, and people with messed up minds who do bad things. I almost dropped this class at the end because I couldn’t bring myself to write the Alzheimer’s paper. Prof is letting me do a take-home final – which is awesome except for the fact that I’m not sure WHEN I will have the time to take it.

Other things that happened this semester…

I had a crush on a boy which was totally fun…until I took the time to get to know him a little better…and the crush dissipated. Oh well, anytime I can even find a vague interest in a guy it’s a good thing.

And the good news is…

Remember how I said I had a job offer, but I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do? Well, another job fell into my lap and this one sounds VERY promising. Just to hedge my bets, I’m going to work part-time at both after the bar, and then make a final decision after a few weeks or months.

Four finals stand between me and the rest of my life. I’m ready. Ready to see my family at graduation. Ready to have wine-time with Wine-Time Girl. Ready to hit the gay bars with Fairy-God-Brother. Ready to get big hugs from Alex. Ready to take the bar and get on to a new chapter in my life. (And according to the psychic from a few weeks ago, I’m about to stumble upon so many loves that I won’t know what to do with myself – how cool would that be if it’s actually true? Cue the Rachmaninoff, please…)

Look out world. Here comes little Ana.

Your Westlaw session will be temporarily interrupted at 11:44 PM, CST. Please be prepared to sign off at that time. If you wish to continue your research session, sign off Westlaw and then reconnect. Westlaw is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Does anyone else see the flaw in that last line?

snooping...

There’s a table in the faculty offices and I sit there to study several days a week. Two other guys from my classes sit there as well, and when I arrived today at noon, they’d already left for lunch, but left their books sitting on the table.

And one of them left their briefcase. Right there. On top of the table. Open, as if just begging for someone to peer into it.

So I did. I didn’t touch anything. I just stood on my toes and plunged my nose forward scanning the items.

The only thing I noticed was a book called Psychoanalysis and Religion.

Immediately, I was swept up in thought and wanted to grab the book. Exactly how did Freud and religion converge? Wasn’t that almost an oxymoron? Was this book arguing for a combination of the two? What exactly was the premise? I was dying. My little peek was acceptable as within the 'plain view' rule, but I couldn't pick the book up.

At the same time, who freakin’ reads anything related to Freud anymore? Penis envy? Are you kidding me? If I envy men it’s because I’d like to be treated equally, not because I want to be one or have my own, you know. Freud was kind of a narrow-visioned idiot in some respects. Had my friend not read the passage in Through the Children’s Gate where Gopnik jokes of visiting the last living psychoanalyst?

And of course then I’m wondering why the guy has the book. Is his rationalism struggling with a childhood influence? Is he like me where he wishes god existed, but just can’t make himself buy into it? Did he crave an external yardstick of morality? Was it for a class?

I sat there for a few seconds wondering if there was an emotional and/or intellectual depth I’d somehow failed to notice in my classmate, an innate yearning for knowledge or the meaning of life, a soul mate of sorts sitting beside me all this time.

After a few minutes I shrugged it off. Nah, who would read a book like that…for fun?

…so says the girl currently reading Phenomenology of Perception...for fun.

Bad Mommy...

I missed Martha's birthday. One year ago last Friday, I brought her home from the kennel after she'd sat there for two months without a visitor. (By the way, this totally validates my life-long belief that people are fundamentally stupid. She's freakin' adorable, and with a little bit of training and patience, she's become an awesome dog.)

Today she's one of my best buddies; I can't believe I missed it. No new treats, no chew toys. Clearly, I suck.

Thank goodness she's a dog and doesn't know any better. Heaven forbid I should ever have kids. I would really screw them up.

So here's to Miss M...

I love you more today...

...than the day I brought you home


(Probably because when I brought you home, you'd spent a year as a stray, had severe separation anxiety, and weren't house-trained.)

Over the last year we've had our ups and downs, but I've never seriously considered taking you back to the kennel. Despite still acting like a psycho any time a third party enters the house, you, apparently, are MY dog. Though as a dog you are incapable of returning and/or feeling affection, please know that your desire to lie next to me in order to increase body warmth as well as your penchant to lick my face clean are enough to delude me into thinking that we are close friends. I guess I kind of like you. Even though you refuse to play fetch with me, but will play for hours with Bartender-Boy on a bi-weekly basis, even though you always seem to prefer anyone other than me if there is an option, I still love you more than I care to admit. My friends say that since you came into my life, I have a new level of emotional depth and vulnerability. Screw them. What do they know? Perhaps one day I will be able to let you off leash without worrying that you will run away. I doubt it.

The Why Do People Hate You Test...

So my problem is that I'm a nice person who's a teensy bit anal?

6 Cruelty, 32 Anal, 19 Pushover

Congratulations. You're easy-going, friendly and know when to stand up for yourself. You're perfect. In fact, you're a little bit too perfect. Chances are, hoards of jealous people are plotting your demise at you read this. Tough luck, pal.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on Cruelty

You scored higher than 33% on Anal

You scored higher than 14% on Pushover

The Why Do People Hate You? Test

I hate papers...

Paper #2 is due tomorrow.

Then I have a research thing-a-ma-jiggy due on Thursday.

Then I have four finals.

Just in case you wondered why I wasn't posting.

BUT I wish I could post. I have fun stuff to talk about. You know, things I probably shouldn't talk about, assumptions I shouldn't make, tiny pieces of fact destroyed by an all too active imagination. We're almost to the end of the semester and you know what that means, there's a whole bevy of people I've been speculating about this year...and in two weeks I'll never see them again. So I can write with impunity. That's right, what Magic Cookie once referred to as 'intellectual chick lit' is about to make a comeback.

Zee tote has arrived!

So, here's the new tote...



It's kind of ginormous, but I picked it out on purpose. The thing holds laptops, books, flip-flops, and a change of clothes. You can use either handles or the shoulder strap.



There are inside pockets on both sides, but the main compartment is open - another feature I wanted in order to be able to shove as much stuff as possible in its spaces.



Plus, a lift-flap zipper in case you don't want others to see what you're carrying. And, there are little metal footies on the bottom.

I LOVE IT!

And Bonus, it is now magically back on the Co*ach site if you want to get your very own. (Just promise me that if you get it, you'll remove the marketing tag ;-)

I feel pretty?

In the last couple of weeks two different men have approached me in a bar. One told me I was beautiful. The other one used the term cute. I wasn’t being hit on, they just stopped me as I walking past them with an, “I had to tell you…”

It’s kind of nice. Since moving away from Austin few boys in Big City seem to find my ‘natural’ look attractive. Over the past three years, dates have become few and far between. I carefully look myself over in the mirror; have I gotten too old, too fat? I just don’t feel pretty these days, so sincere or not, the compliment was well-taken.

Now, if only I could duplicate that experience outside of a gay bar…

Coincidences & Reminiscences...of Purses

I climbed in bed last night at 11:51 pm. At 12:45 am, still awake, I was struck with an idea and jumped out of bed. For some reason, I decided that I MUST purchase a business tote for my laptop and papers.

What was odd about this besides the timing?

I have not in recent months (ok, years) even thought about buying a business tote. Never perused them online or at a store. Not even sure I knew what one was until I turned on my computer and began to click.

Because I rarely if ever buy anything *nice* anymore (it would be contradictory to my unfettered, somewhat bohemian, childish rebellion) I had no idea where to look for my bag, and typed in the name of the store where I bought my first piece of leatherware almost twenty years prior.

Back in the good old days, Co*ach was a brand of staid, non-flashy, and sturdy purses. With the exception of winter specials, bags came in black and camel, though predominately camel, and all of them were styled like saddle bags. The shape and size varied somewhat, but every bag was made of leather, had a flap and a brass turn-lock.


Semi-vintage Co*ach circa '92.

The purses also contained a small marketing tag for identification in the store which one was to promptly remove along with the price tag after purchase.


Teeny-tiny tag.

Besides just the above, the display of brand names in my household was not apropos, the reason being that a showing of wealth might make others around you feel uncomfortable, and while Coach was never quite couture, there were plenty of people who could not afford it. Personal safety was also a consideration. Every so often I see a tag hanging off a purse, start to run over to the woman to let her know that it is still attached, and then realize that she is probably intentionally being gauche.

(Incidentally, in my family it also improper to make a semi-fictional blog available to the entire world, and like good Episcopalians, my family members are so kind as to never mention it and pretend it doesn’t exist rather than be improper by pointing out its impropriety. I have turned out to be a rather confused and conflicted adult who thinks that one should not be judged on appearances, and therefore allowed to wear flip-flops to work, and yet, when someone uses the wrong fork, forgets to put a napkin in their lap, fails to write a thank you note, or if male, does not regularly wear an undershirt, I am somewhat appalled.)

In the mid-nineties, Co*ach started branching out a bit with new colors and different styles, and my mother was a little surprised when I purchased a piece that veered from classic and would not be wearable in a few years.


The beginning of the trEND...drawstring circa '95 (modeled by Grumpy).

She was right. Mom was always good at spotting these things. Today, I still wear a navy pea coat she bought for me eighteen years ago.

My friendship with Co*ach continued on until the mid-2000’s at which point Co*ach ceased making understated, quality leather bags and instead began offering items that would only look appropriate if one was part of the entourage of J-Lo, replete with tacky logos and for the most part, not even leather! So fearful was I that the purse would never be available again, I scoured the floors of department stores picking up the last few remnants of their final non-objectionable line. I am not sure what to make of the fact that in the last few years Co*ach sales have skyrocketed and they’re now a household name.


Classy - circa on their website now


The Best of the Last - circa 2003

In the interest of honesty, I will admit that there have been moments when I’ve succumbed to the fad.


At least it's all leather - circa 2002 (modeled by Helmut).

When I hopped on the Coach website in the early hours of the morning, it was not with high hopes, but there among the flash and trash was a large, plain, all-leather tote…in camel. It was also the most expensive tote on the page, and I paused at making such an impulse purchase, but no, this was the tote, and I needed to get it. After entering my credit card info, I turned off my computer and went back to bed.

This morning I awoke in a frenzy. How could I have made a major purchase without shopping around? Surely there was something better out there?!? I spent the first hour of class hopping from website to website, now aware of the item’s name – business tote. I looked at about 80 different bags, and though some were larger and all were cheaper (with the exception of Mulberry), I decided that the tote I’d purchased was my favorite one.

Proud of myself, I clicked over to the Co*ach page in order to admire my new purchase, but funny thing, it wasn’t there. Some time between 1 am and 9 am, the bag was removed from the website. I guess I got the last one. Weird, huh?

Update: Oh look, what I just found hidden on the website. Coa*ch, I love you again.

That's why we call him fairy-god-brother...

Midnight approaches. I'm sitting at my desk, drinking red wine, and watching S&TC, season four.

The phone rings.

"Are you calling to rescue me?" I ask.

"Get your party shoes on and come meet me before you turn into a pumpkin."

What's 40% of 2%?

[Wine-Time-Girl speaking on the phone with an out-of-town friend]

Friend: So, you’re hanging out with Ana because this guy might show up? Isn’t that weird?
WTG: No, not really.
Friend: Does she like him?
WTG: I wouldn’t go that far. She’s vaguely interested.
Friend: So, she thinks he’s really cute?
WTG: No.
Friend: What then?
WTG: She’s talked to him a couple of times and thinks he’s palatable.
Friend: Palatable?
WTG: You have to know Ana. She incompatible with about 98% of the male population in terms of a relationship.
Friend: So this guy’s in the 2%?
WTG: No, he has about a 40% chance of being in the 2%.
Friend: That doesn’t sound promising.
WTG: On the contrary, those are very good odds for Ana. She’s actually quite hopeful.

[Wine-Time-Girl gets off the phone.]

WTG: Your concept of crush is rather awkward to explain.
Ana: For you it’s awkward. For me, it’s just humbling. How many people do you know who have to put themselves out there on the CHANCE that they MIGHT be interested, and then, it’s really exciting because MAYBE twice a year they meet someone that they MIGHT be interested in?
WTG: Well, I love you.
Ana: Great. You want to get married and have babies?
WTG: Ana…
Ana: I was just making a point.

The guy? He never showed. I did however come home to find a very nice rejection email indicating a knowledge of etiquette that made the former Episcopalian in me feel a little swoon-y. I was tempted reply back using one of the sixteen styles of Crane’s embossed monogrammed note cards that I’ve been gifted since youth and rarely, if ever, use.

I would have loved the opportunity to say my heart hurts, but as usual, it’s just my ego.

Ana's Unsolicited Advice for the Day...

Security and stability is not a precedent to happiness.

Happiness is a precedent to security and stability.

When you know you're old...

I almost never use my credit card except for major purchases, so when I logged onto to my bank account tonight I nearly screamed when I saw that the balance on my credit card was $2700.

What did I buy?
$2400 for BarBri
$50 for Frontline flea stuff for dog
$100 for Graduation gown rental
$10 doggie poo bags
$50 threadless tees

Dear god, I am boring.

I think the t-shirts were an attempt to grab hold of a long-lost youth...and one that wasn't even my own.

I also paid $900 worth of taxes tonight - word to the 2Ls - before you accept that great clerkship, check and make sure that they don't pay you as an independent contractor whereby they will take 0 taxes out of your check, and as a bonus, since they aren't paying for any taxes, you get to pay double!

Amazing...

For the last few weeks I've spent a couple of hours every other day working on a paper. Lots of pain, little writing. I'd read and research and read and research again, but still I didn't have any idea how I was going to put the paper together.

It's amazing what a 48-hour deadline can do.

After weeks of agony, it's now flowing like melted butter.

Most people think I'm a lazy procrastinator. All I can say is it's not for lack of trying.

I hate my life.

This is a holiday?

Last week was the first week that Wine-Time-Girl and I were not working at our part-time jobs. We’d taken off a little early for finals and papers and projects and breathing room. On our first Friday of freedom, she agreed to keep me company while Martha and I jetted around town, killing a three-hour span where I could not enter my house because of the bug man and his toxin-carrying spray.

I popped Martha in the car around 1 pm and called Wine-Time-Girl. The plan was to eat outside at a dog-friendly restaurant, then take Martha to the park. Five minutes after I was on the road the bright sky turned to black and the wind began to blow.

When I met Wine-Time-Girl at our destination, she decided to sit in my car for a few minutes in hope that the storm would blow over. Two hours later, we were still sitting there, Martha occasionally releasing a whimper of sorrow at being penned in her carrier.

“I’m so bored I could die,” I said. “Maybe we could leave the dog in the car and go inside somewhere?”

“Do you want to go shopping?” Wine-Time asked.

“No, I hate shopping. It’s so boring.”

“Yeah,” Wine-Time agreed.

“Library?” I asked.

“Do you know where one is?” Wine-Time replied.

“No.”

We couldn’t take Martha to WTG’s apartment. Her BF was allergic to dogs.

“I think all of my energy is slowly ebbing out of my body,” she said.

“We could go to a bar.”

“Ana, it’s three pm.”

Just the night before, Wine-Time-Girl and I had sat around my house eating a frozen pizza and drinking a bottle of champagne. We tried to come up with something worth toasting as it was champagne, but once our glasses were raised we only mustered apoplectic stares. When the bottle was empty, I nearly wanted to cry.

“What? That’s almost happy hour…and it is Friday.”

“Ok, let’s stop and remember this moment,” WTG said affirmatively.

“Huh?”

“In case one day we get married and have kids, we have to at least have a part-time job. As much as we dislike working, we must.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because once the kids reach school age, you and I will be so bored that we’ll start mixing cocktails at noon.”

We made it the final hour and took Martha home to feed her dinner. As soon as that was over, WTG and I did go to the bar. We came home four frozen screwdrivers, two margaritas, one sangrita, one red glass of wine, one chardonnay, one scotch and water, two vodka tonics, and a bud light later. Neither of us became intoxicated at any point during the evening - which is to say, WTG might be on to something with her theory of drinking and boredom.

My Dating Persona...

Pilfered from here.

Random Gentle Love Dreamer Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar.
You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. [Not saccharine at all?] You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age [be nice!], and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. [This is true.] Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. [This is totally true.] Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. [Eh, it's more just tiring at moments.]

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. [Yeah, that love slowly thing needs work.] A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. [But I love them!] Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. [Tell me about it.]

Always avoid: The Hornivore (RBSM)

Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), The Loverboy (RGLM), The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test

Things that would have been nice...

...some type of reminder from the administration that the deadline to order cap and gown was fast approaching...especially since said deadline occurred during Spring Break.

Awesome.

It is seriously amazing...

...how many people in the library pick their nose and are completely unaware that they're doing it. I just saw two different guys do it within a span of ten seconds.

Something's wrong with my brain...

Help me figure this out - it's driving me crazy!

Did you see the article in the NYT yesterday about “change blindness?”

“When Jeremy Wolfe of Harvard Medical School, speaking last week at a symposium devoted to the crossover theme of Art and Neuroscience, wanted to illustrate how the brain sees the world and how often it fumbles the job, he naturally turned to a great work of art. …He flashed a slide of Ellsworth Kelly’s “Study for Colors for a Large Wall” on the screen…. The checkerboard painting of 64 black, white and colored squares….Dr. Wolfe flashed another slide of the image, this time with one of the squares highlighted. Was the highlighted square the same color as the original, he asked the audience, or had he altered it? …We had gazed on Ellsworth Kelly’s masterpiece, but we hadn’t really seen it at all. …
Visual attentiveness is born of limited resources. “The basic problem is that far more information lands on your eyes than you can possibly analyze and still end up with a reasonable sized brain,” Dr. Wolfe said. ... In deciding what to focus on, the brain essentially shines a spotlight from place to place, a rapid, sweeping search that takes in maybe 30 or 40 objects per second, the survey accompanied by a multitude of body movements of which we are barely aware: the darting of the eyes, the constant tiny twists of the torso and neck. We scan and sweep and perfunctorily police, until something sticks out and brings our bouncing cones to a halt.

Here’s the link to full article. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/01/science/01angi.html

There’s also a feature where you can take the test for yourself.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/03/31/science/20080331_ANGIER_GRAPHIC.html#step1

Okay, so I did the test and on six out of six questions, I made the correct choice.

What I want to know is ‘why.’ I felt like I could actually see the entire artwork (on a very general level) at one time (except for the white squares which registered with me as negative space). I couldn’t tell you what the prior color was, but I did notice when it changed. The ‘scan and sweep’ thing that the article mentions – are they suggesting that most people view the picture one square at a time?? Is the test just a bunch of bunk? Also, on the main story page, it was like five minutes before I noticed that one of the hens was a rooster. Any ideas?

If I'd known...

...that they handed out free books at Jewish Women networking events I would have started attending them a long time ago.

Free Book!

And it wasn't even some career/self-help junk. It was a Joan Didion short story collection. How awesome is that?

I love being Jewish.

Free book! They gave me a free book!

Maybe the Hare Krishnas should reconsider that free flower idea and instead proffer Hemingway.